[Felix had told Adrian he was going on a quest with the boar, but nothing else. Waking up after death, he's unsure exactly how long it's been. He remembers dying, and nothing after that. He's physically fine, but quite tired and achey, like he's bruised all over. After speaking with Dimitri, he texts Adrian.]
[It takes until the second day for Adrian to worry; a quest somewhere out as far as Felix was going could take longer than a few hours, he's sure. There are things people ask the Visitors to do here that are exceedingly complicated and difficult (he has not done any of those, for that reason), so--surely, it's fine and normal for him to not come home for two days.
The third day he worries, and Felix doesn't answer his--bird, and Adrian doesn't know what one does in this situation. Put out a missing persons ad? Go find whoever posted that quest and ask what happened? The animals are even starting to fuss, so--
Oh good, there's a message. Don't worry, Adrian can ask all the questions:]
What happened? Stay there, I'll come and get you.
[This is non-negotiable, he's already on his way. Do not fuss.]
[A lie. But he can't think of anything Adrian could bring him that would make it better. Besides himself.
Maybe a cat. But those are at home.]
I just want to be home.
[He means their house, not HOME home in his world, which maybe is odd. He doesn't yearn for Fodlan- he hasn't since he got here. But he hadn't realized how quickly their house in Grey Ward started to feel a little bit like a home. At least, it's the place he feels most comfortable, right now.]
[The cats, and the literal dragon, will be all over him as soon as he's home, so he can look forward to that at least.]
Alright. Don't leave on your own, I'll be there soon.
[Even if Felix would like to keep insisting he's fine, Adrian is coming to get him anyway. Sure, Felix can walk home by himself, he's a capable adult, but simply leaving him to do that after going through such an ordeal feels terrible in a brand new, unique way that Adrian supposes only this impossible circumstance can cause. So he's on his way as quickly as he can be, hastening to find Felix once he gets to the infirmary and asks for him.
He doesn't know what to expect, but the utterly dismal look on his face when he pokes his head into view around a corner is much more predictable. There's no doubt that he's relieved to see him there, but also, oh my god. Hiii...]
[Boy, would he love to be bathing in small creatures right now, especially the one that can read his mind and tell how he's feeling without him having to admit it out loud.
For once, he doesn't want to be alone. Dying was terrifying, he's still shaken, and he wants the feeling of security and safety that comes with being near someone he trusts.]
Ok.
[...]
Thanks.
[He could sleep a little more while he's waiting, but Adrian is probably worried, so he wants to be ready when he comes, to show he's well enough to be up and about. Which he is... Probably. Still, you don't just wake up from crashing into the ocean at terminal velocity as though nothing physically happened, so it's a slow process to push himself up from the bed and get dressed. He's still trying to tie his boots, sitting on the edge of the bed when Adrian arrives. He looks up at him.]
[Ah, there he is, all in one piece and just tying his boots, having a perfectly normal day, at a glance. Adrian lingers in the doorway to look at him just for a moment before crossing the room and, without really thinking about it, crouching down and nudging Felix's hands away to tie the boots for him. Don't object, just sit there for a minute.]
I'm glad you're okay. You didn't answer when I tried to contact you, so...
[Well, did he assume the worst? Does that matter, when the worst actually did happen? He trails off there and shrugs; he worried, he worried quite a bit actually, he's so glad Felix is here and alive and breathing-- but they need to get home, so he can leave it at glad you're okay for now.
One more thing, first: as he straightens back up again he leans in to tug Felix into a rough hug. Just a quick squeeze, then he stands for real and looks around to see if there's anything else they need to grab. He holds a hand out to help Felix up; again, do not grumble about this.]
[Felix is too tired to object or argue with Adrian tying his shoes. It's a little embarrassing, like he's a kid or something, but the situation kind of calls for it, so he gets it. He braces his hands against the bed's edge, holding himself up.
He can't quite tell how upset Adrian is or was about all of this. The man is good at concealing his feelings and pain, better than Felix is. He always seems calm, even when he's not. Felix would be losing his shit if the roles were reversed, but Adrian just shrugs.
But the boot-tying, and the somewhat urgent hug, betray the emotion lying beneath the casual exterior. A surprised, soft grunt escapes Felix's lungs as he's gripped- when does anyone have the audacity to hug him? And why, instead of making him angry, does it make his eyes tear?
He's barely processed what's happening, barely laid his hands on Adrian's shoulder blades, when Adrian is standing up, sticking out a hand. Felix blinks rapidly and looks away and down to try to hide his brief moment of weakness, and silently takes the hand offered. He rises to his feet with another soft grunt, shuffling forward.
He nods. Let's. He pulls his cape's fur hood up over his head to shelter from the cold, and maybe to hide himself a little, as he grips his friend's hand and allows himself to lean into him a little as they walk.]
[To not control his emotions is to invite mistake, Adrian knows; overconfidence into tragedy, anger into blame, hunger into shame. He could panic and wail and get angry, and then upset, and then maybe swing into some other emotions, or--
Or he could tie Felix's boots for him, and grip his hand, and take them home. If Felix doesn't leave his sight for the next--however long it takes, then he can never die, it's the perfect plan! As hard as it is to wrap his head around it, dying and coming back here; how it must feel inside and out, he couldn't imagine. He carries a kind of death around with him all the time, but he's never actually died. Probably.
Not the point. The point is Felix, and taking him home as quickly as possible, so it's the fastest route back to their house with minimal chatter from Adrian, and he doesn't let go of Felix until he's depositing him on the couch in their living room. He leaves to get a blanket and something to eat and the animals swarm Felix practically as a group; one cat to crawl in his lap, another at his side, and the dragon climbing onto the back of the couch to rest her lovely jeweled head on his shoulder.
When Adrian returns he has the world's plainest meat and cheese sandwich and a folded blanket; he sits on Felix's cat-free side and holds out the plate. The blanket can wait a minute, he supposes.]
You should eat. And then... [welllll then if he asks how Felix is doing, maybe he won't get a gruff non-answer, miracles do happen.]
[Maybe Adrian could teach Felix a thing or two about not acting wildly based on emotion, someday. Not today, though.
The only thing that gets him through the walk home is Adrian's arm, his steady step, and the thought of the animals at home that wait for them. Animals that, by some miracle, already care for both of them. Being alive after death is strange: he has a strong sense of gratitude, today, for things like that. For Adrian, for the animals, for their house, for the sun that glints off the snow, for the cold air on his cheeks. He's far from sentimental, but when he was about to die, it's not like there was any rational part of his brain online to say um, ACKSHULLY, you'll be brought back, so don't worry about it. No, he genuinely thought that was the end, and he felt that ending with every fibre of his being. Now, here he is: alive, with the people and animals he thought he would have to leave behind forever. He knows, now, for certain, that he would miss some things about his life here, as short a time as he's been here.
But now he doesn't have to miss them. As he falls onto the couch, they are eagerly sniffing him, climbing up around him, and Felix sighs audibly, like he's incredibly relieved.]
Hello.
[His voice is quiet and gentle and perhaps betrays a hint of his gratitude as he scritches the cats' heads and lays his head back onto Little One. The dragon's innocent relief that Felix is okay beams into his mind, softening rough edges there, and he tries not to think any bad thoughts so he doesn't worry her all over again. He just closes his eyes, petting and basking in their warmth and affection as Adrian putters around in the other rooms.
He lifts his head and takes the sandwich as it's offered.]
Thanks.
[It's objectively bland aside from saltiness, and yet, as he bites into it, he wonders if it's the best thing he's ever eaten. Maybe he's hungrier than he thought, or maybe it feels like the first time he's ever eaten food, or maybe it's the fact that Adrian made it for him. Anyway, excuse him while he wolfs half of it down before saying anything else.]
[The secret is to experience lots of social shame all at the same time--
In any case, pardon Adrian for just watching Felix eat his sandwich for a bit, here. He hadn't even known what had happened to Felix until today, and that not knowing was bad enough for his heart; just how would he have gotten by if he'd been there and seen it happen? He doesn't know. But Felix is here and whole and capable of eating a crummy sandwich, and that feels nothing short of miraculous right now.
Adrian had wondered since his very first day in this place how the leaders intend to earn even a sliver of loyalty out of any of them, and now? He's beginning to think it was this, all along, the ability to put Felix back on their couch as if nothing happened. There's something sinister in there, he thinks--but he'll think more about it later.]
I don't know, [he says, picking at the folded blanket. Hm, what could be next, indeed...] Maybe you'll tell me how you're feeling.
[Mmm, hard pass. Unclear if Felix is even capable of experiencing shame, except when someone calls him out for caring about people.
Felix catches Adrian's eye as he's staring and gives him a bit of a what? look, but doesn't say anything. To the question, he lets out a long exhale that isn't quite a sigh, chewing, thinking. He owes Adrian this much, definitely, but the problem is that he's not sure how to explain what he's feeling.]
I don't know... I'm glad to be alive. But...
[But he fucking died. Does he have to say that part? No, Adrian's question was about feelings. Think.]
It was... Frightening. And... The boar...
[He furrows his brow. It's hard to talk about feelings, the words sticking to his tongue like molasses, harder still to talk about Dimitri-related feelings that aren't hatred and anger. Another breath, as though conceding something, and then:]
Dimitri.
[The first time he has said his actual first name aloud since arriving here.]
[He absolutely does not need to share the gory details of actually dying; Adrian doesn't need to know, and he wouldn't put Felix through that again. He's already assumed Felix is putting himself through it--it feels like it'd be hard not to think about it except for with a lot of effort.
So, feelings. Adrian listens without interrupting, at some point deciding to unfold this blanket while Felix speaks, so he isn't staring straight at him the whole time. The complexities of what's between Felix and Dimitri are, hm, well beyond him, but--]
I didn't see him at the clinic. Did he go home?
[Did Imogen come and get him, do they have to go back and get him, ah-- focus, focus.]
You- [are friends? um,] -have a history. Of course he would try to save you.
[Digest that while Adrian holds up the blanket and gestures; come here, come get wrapped in this. Again, this is nonnegotiable, don't make it a whole thing.]
tell me if what he's saying makes 0 sense to adrian and ill fix lol
[Dimitri's fine, (not really, but when is he ever fine), don't fret, Adrian.
Oh, but it is not of course. Not to Felix, not at all. He doesn't understand why. He extracts himself a little from the animals and leans forward toward his roommate so he can wrap the blanket around him. Hm, he'll unpack how he feels about this caretaking later. For now, Dimitri is what's to be unpacked.]
Adrian. I abandoned him. I was born to defend him, and instead I walked away. Because of that and some other factors, he lost the war and died in my timeline. In his timeline, where I stayed, he's alive, he's won, he's King, and that version of me is his loyal Duke.
I also... Killed someone very important to him.
[The part he doesn't say: it was Felix's father.]
Suffice to say he owes me- this version of me- nothing. He has every reason to hate me. And yet... The fool sacrificed his own life to try to save me. The utter fucking fool.
[He clenches his fist and his jaw, obviously angry.]
If it had been permanent, we would both be gone now, when he could have gone on living.
[What if he fretted... anyway! No, he won't, if Imogen has Dimitri back home then he should be just as fine as Felix is. Which might not be very fine at the moment, but they'll get there. Adrian moves to wrap the blanket around him and then scoots in a bit closer, to keep an arm around his shoulders.
But oh, there are timelines? Did he know this? He can't remember if he knew this from someone else or not, but different worlds aren't a far stretch from different timelines, so why not. Either way it's more mental notes about Felix's many horrible life experiences to keep track of, so, well. He can do that.]
Felix...
[Gods, where does he start. Okay.]
You don't really think so little of yourself, do you? Or of him? You aren't exchanging good deeds back and forth until someone gets tired of it, you know. That isn't how being close to someone works.
[Even if there were some extreme measures taken, it sounds like-- the point stands. Adrian knows what it's like to feel like the worst version of yourself, so on that level at least he can see where some of this is coming from.]
Whatever it is you think you deserve, apparently he disagrees. And unfortunately, we don't get to tell people how to feel about us.
[Yet, the sheer distress in his voice and the tears that form in his eyes again suggest the exact opposite. It's not true, as much as he wishes it were. As much as the little voice inside him screams I am me! Felix Hugo Fraldarius! There is no one else! I'm my own person, with my own beliefs, and I make my own choices! he will always, always, in every single timeline, have an inherent attachment to Dimitri. They grew up together, they were bound together by circumstances of birth, and later, traumatic events. There is absolutely nothing Felix can do to fully cut ties to the Boar King, try as he has, and he hates it. He hates it so much. Independence is so important to him, and knowing that it's futile to even try at it because he'll always fall back into being the Boar's charge... It's a helpless feeling he can't stand.]
I can tell him he's an idiot to feel that way. And to throw his life away for me.
[He mutters this, but there's nothing that can stop the tears from leaking out, despite his clenched jaw and intense stare at... Nothing in particular. Little One senses his upset and nuzzles into his neck more.]
Doesn't it matter what I want? I don't want anyone to die for me, like how--
[Like how Glenn died for Dimitri. He shuts up before that comes out, wiping his face angrily.]
[Okay, making him cry was not the goal, and Adrian has the decency to look properly distressed about this for a moment. Ah, no, don't do that--]
Of course it matters what you want. You aren't the only one there is, that's-- that's all.
[Maybe contextualize outside of just dying, if that would help, although he doesn't know how to articulate that idea; how is anyone supposed to deal with this idea of dying and coming back like it's nothing? He squeezes Felix's shoulder instead.]
I think you have to talk this over with him. [How did that apology go the first time, buddy--] But I also think you have to let people care about you.
[A beat.]
And you have to be more careful out there. Both of you.
[Felix tries to breathe. He shouldn't freak out on Adrian, who's just trying to help.
You have to let people care about you. That is the issue, isn't it. He always tries to push people away just so they won't do stupid shit like this. But it never works. They care anyway, they do stupid things anyway, no matter what he does, no matter how mean he is.]
I'll just lose them again.
[If not to death, since apparently that's not possible here, then... Some other way.
He sighs as Adrian tells him to be careful. That makes him realize it's too late: Dimitri cares for him, Adrian does, probably Remi, maybe Hayden. Maybe even Imogen. If they're going to care anyway, maybe it's useless to try to push them away. A waste of energy.
That energy drains from him as he sinks further into the couch, further into Adrian.]
Fine. Your turn. Talk about how you feel.
[If he has to go through this ugly, painful display of vulnerability, you don't get off easy, asshole.]
[There's something to say here, maybe a "being with people and enjoying life means risking tragedy," but who is he to say anything like that? He, who has stayed on the fringes for so long, who doesn't have any friends back home who aren't just his students-- well!
Honestly, he's a hack for saying all that other stuff, but at least it was true. He has nothing to say about getting close to people or losing them or any of that-- unless they're going to talk about people here, and even then, he is still frequently kind of stunned when people behave normally around him.
So, well, it's all he can do to fuss at the edge of the blanket a little, make sure Felix is still bundled up sufficiently when he leans into him more. Hmm.]
I-- What? About what?
[help.]
About what happened? I didn't know if you were busy, or hurt, or-- [skipping over dead,] gone from here. I was worried about you.
[He gives Adrian a small glare, as if to say you know what. Don't play dumb! You have feelings too!
Worried. Okay. Clear, by the way he's still fussing.]
... And now?
[Felix's eyes search his friend's face, curious, wondering. Because here they are, all but cuddling on this couch, and sure, they could make the excuse that Felix died, and all the times they've touched each other before were because they were cold, or drunk, or upset, or exhausted-- but those excuses are starting to feel thin, because Felix is not a touchy-feely person, and he knows Adrian is not, either. So... Perhaps this is an opening, an opportunity for Adrian to say something that's not an excuse, should be choose to take it.
And if it's not the right time, that's fine. They can just keep saying it's for some reason a necessity sit on the couch, Felix curled up against him, with their three pets surrounding them, in this house they share. That's normal platonic behaviour for two men, surely. Really, Felix doesn't know- he grew up in Faerghus, after all. He just died in the arms of a man he swore to be his enemy. What is normal, anyway?]
[Who ever said he had feelings! Just kidding, it's everything he ever does, actually. Felix looks at him like that and Adrian almost wants to look somewhere else, to address the wall or something, but he doesn't. And now? And now he's relieved to have Felix at his side, wrapped up in this blanket and safe, here in their home and not--wherever he'd been, falling to his death out there.
And now--]
Well, I-- I care about you.
[And about their house and their pets and Felix in his blanket warm against his side. He cares that Felix is home, that they have this little home at all. He could be content with that, really.
And while he does care, very much, more than he expected to, well,] If you'll let me.
[It's unusual for Adrian to hold his gaze for so long, and it's no small feat for anyone to endure the burn of Felix's amber eyes. Though, right now it's less a roaring flame and more like the low smoulder of coals. A pleasant heat, not a searing one. They haven't stared at each other this long or close since that day he grabbed Adrian's wrist in the yard and scolded him lovingly to not be an idiot with magic. That day, Felix had looked away as though saving his retinas from the blinding sun, but now, his eyes stay locked on Adrian's face.]
Fine... If I must.
[The corner of his lip turns up wryly.]
And I'll try to be more careful.
[If Adrian cares for him, and if Felix isn't going to bother to push him away, the least he can do is not put the man through all this again.]
[It is a lot of Felix-gaze at once, but Adrian is serious about this; he cares for Felix too deeply to let him brush this off or avoid it in his gruff way-- not that his actual reaction isn't kind of gruff, but at least he's agreeing. Baby steps.]
Thank you. I won't have to keep you on house arrest.
[Ha ha, he might have done it though-- It's fine though, it's alright. He gives Felix's shoulder another squeeze, controlling himself from dragging him into another abrupt hug, as much as he wants to.
...And, raising an eyebrow,] If you must?
[Ahem? He is caring so much right now, be nice to him.]
[Felix is an untamed animal- he does what he wants. But... Right now he sort of wants to please Adrian, who's been so sweet that Felix is feeling, for once, a bit soft.
He rolls his eyes, smiling. Felix then shifts to face Adrian, staying in his hold. He draws his feet up onto the couch, then into Adrian's lap. The cats move and find new spots to accommodate this shift, and Felix leans his head on his roommate's shoulder, now looking up a little to keep eyes on him.]
I'll let you care about me. I care about you, too. Now, don't make me say it again.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
March 8th, after being gone 3 days
Hi
I'm at the infirmary in Grey Ward, I'm ok
[Admit what happened? Ask for help? Fuck no.]
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The third day he worries, and Felix doesn't answer his--bird, and Adrian doesn't know what one does in this situation. Put out a missing persons ad? Go find whoever posted that quest and ask what happened? The animals are even starting to fuss, so--
Oh good, there's a message. Don't worry, Adrian can ask all the questions:]
What happened? Stay there, I'll come and get you.
[This is non-negotiable, he's already on his way. Do not fuss.]
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Harpies attacked, the island broke apart, and we fell to our deaths.
[Just a quick synopsis, no need for more words.]
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Do you need me to bring you anything?
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[A lie. But he can't think of anything Adrian could bring him that would make it better. Besides himself.
Maybe a cat. But those are at home.]
I just want to be home.
[He means their house, not HOME home in his world, which maybe is odd. He doesn't yearn for Fodlan- he hasn't since he got here. But he hadn't realized how quickly their house in Grey Ward started to feel a little bit like a home. At least, it's the place he feels most comfortable, right now.]
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Alright. Don't leave on your own, I'll be there soon.
[Even if Felix would like to keep insisting he's fine, Adrian is coming to get him anyway. Sure, Felix can walk home by himself, he's a capable adult, but simply leaving him to do that after going through such an ordeal feels terrible in a brand new, unique way that Adrian supposes only this impossible circumstance can cause. So he's on his way as quickly as he can be, hastening to find Felix once he gets to the infirmary and asks for him.
He doesn't know what to expect, but the utterly dismal look on his face when he pokes his head into view around a corner is much more predictable. There's no doubt that he's relieved to see him there, but also, oh my god. Hiii...]
Felix?
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For once, he doesn't want to be alone. Dying was terrifying, he's still shaken, and he wants the feeling of security and safety that comes with being near someone he trusts.]
Ok.
[...]
Thanks.
[He could sleep a little more while he's waiting, but Adrian is probably worried, so he wants to be ready when he comes, to show he's well enough to be up and about. Which he is... Probably. Still, you don't just wake up from crashing into the ocean at terminal velocity as though nothing physically happened, so it's a slow process to push himself up from the bed and get dressed. He's still trying to tie his boots, sitting on the edge of the bed when Adrian arrives. He looks up at him.]
Hey.
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I'm glad you're okay. You didn't answer when I tried to contact you, so...
[Well, did he assume the worst? Does that matter, when the worst actually did happen? He trails off there and shrugs; he worried, he worried quite a bit actually, he's so glad Felix is here and alive and breathing-- but they need to get home, so he can leave it at glad you're okay for now.
One more thing, first: as he straightens back up again he leans in to tug Felix into a rough hug. Just a quick squeeze, then he stands for real and looks around to see if there's anything else they need to grab. He holds a hand out to help Felix up; again, do not grumble about this.]
Let's go home.
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He can't quite tell how upset Adrian is or was about all of this. The man is good at concealing his feelings and pain, better than Felix is. He always seems calm, even when he's not. Felix would be losing his shit if the roles were reversed, but Adrian just shrugs.
But the boot-tying, and the somewhat urgent hug, betray the emotion lying beneath the casual exterior. A surprised, soft grunt escapes Felix's lungs as he's gripped- when does anyone have the audacity to hug him? And why, instead of making him angry, does it make his eyes tear?
He's barely processed what's happening, barely laid his hands on Adrian's shoulder blades, when Adrian is standing up, sticking out a hand. Felix blinks rapidly and looks away and down to try to hide his brief moment of weakness, and silently takes the hand offered. He rises to his feet with another soft grunt, shuffling forward.
He nods. Let's. He pulls his cape's fur hood up over his head to shelter from the cold, and maybe to hide himself a little, as he grips his friend's hand and allows himself to lean into him a little as they walk.]
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Or he could tie Felix's boots for him, and grip his hand, and take them home. If Felix doesn't leave his sight for the next--however long it takes, then he can never die, it's the perfect plan! As hard as it is to wrap his head around it, dying and coming back here; how it must feel inside and out, he couldn't imagine. He carries a kind of death around with him all the time, but he's never actually died. Probably.
Not the point. The point is Felix, and taking him home as quickly as possible, so it's the fastest route back to their house with minimal chatter from Adrian, and he doesn't let go of Felix until he's depositing him on the couch in their living room. He leaves to get a blanket and something to eat and the animals swarm Felix practically as a group; one cat to crawl in his lap, another at his side, and the dragon climbing onto the back of the couch to rest her lovely jeweled head on his shoulder.
When Adrian returns he has the world's plainest meat and cheese sandwich and a folded blanket; he sits on Felix's cat-free side and holds out the plate. The blanket can wait a minute, he supposes.]
You should eat. And then... [welllll then if he asks how Felix is doing, maybe he won't get a gruff non-answer, miracles do happen.]
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The only thing that gets him through the walk home is Adrian's arm, his steady step, and the thought of the animals at home that wait for them. Animals that, by some miracle, already care for both of them. Being alive after death is strange: he has a strong sense of gratitude, today, for things like that. For Adrian, for the animals, for their house, for the sun that glints off the snow, for the cold air on his cheeks. He's far from sentimental, but when he was about to die, it's not like there was any rational part of his brain online to say um, ACKSHULLY, you'll be brought back, so don't worry about it. No, he genuinely thought that was the end, and he felt that ending with every fibre of his being. Now, here he is: alive, with the people and animals he thought he would have to leave behind forever. He knows, now, for certain, that he would miss some things about his life here, as short a time as he's been here.
But now he doesn't have to miss them. As he falls onto the couch, they are eagerly sniffing him, climbing up around him, and Felix sighs audibly, like he's incredibly relieved.]
Hello.
[His voice is quiet and gentle and perhaps betrays a hint of his gratitude as he scritches the cats' heads and lays his head back onto Little One. The dragon's innocent relief that Felix is okay beams into his mind, softening rough edges there, and he tries not to think any bad thoughts so he doesn't worry her all over again. He just closes his eyes, petting and basking in their warmth and affection as Adrian putters around in the other rooms.
He lifts his head and takes the sandwich as it's offered.]
Thanks.
[It's objectively bland aside from saltiness, and yet, as he bites into it, he wonders if it's the best thing he's ever eaten. Maybe he's hungrier than he thought, or maybe it feels like the first time he's ever eaten food, or maybe it's the fact that Adrian made it for him. Anyway, excuse him while he wolfs half of it down before saying anything else.]
And then...?
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In any case, pardon Adrian for just watching Felix eat his sandwich for a bit, here. He hadn't even known what had happened to Felix until today, and that not knowing was bad enough for his heart; just how would he have gotten by if he'd been there and seen it happen? He doesn't know. But Felix is here and whole and capable of eating a crummy sandwich, and that feels nothing short of miraculous right now.
Adrian had wondered since his very first day in this place how the leaders intend to earn even a sliver of loyalty out of any of them, and now? He's beginning to think it was this, all along, the ability to put Felix back on their couch as if nothing happened. There's something sinister in there, he thinks--but he'll think more about it later.]
I don't know, [he says, picking at the folded blanket. Hm, what could be next, indeed...] Maybe you'll tell me how you're feeling.
[Maybe? Perhaps? He brought food and cats.]
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Felix catches Adrian's eye as he's staring and gives him a bit of a what? look, but doesn't say anything. To the question, he lets out a long exhale that isn't quite a sigh, chewing, thinking. He owes Adrian this much, definitely, but the problem is that he's not sure how to explain what he's feeling.]
I don't know... I'm glad to be alive. But...
[But he fucking died. Does he have to say that part? No, Adrian's question was about feelings. Think.]
It was... Frightening. And... The boar...
[He furrows his brow. It's hard to talk about feelings, the words sticking to his tongue like molasses, harder still to talk about Dimitri-related feelings that aren't hatred and anger. Another breath, as though conceding something, and then:]
Dimitri.
[The first time he has said his actual first name aloud since arriving here.]
He tried to save me.
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So, feelings. Adrian listens without interrupting, at some point deciding to unfold this blanket while Felix speaks, so he isn't staring straight at him the whole time. The complexities of what's between Felix and Dimitri are, hm, well beyond him, but--]
I didn't see him at the clinic. Did he go home?
[Did Imogen come and get him, do they have to go back and get him, ah-- focus, focus.]
You- [are friends? um,] -have a history. Of course he would try to save you.
[Digest that while Adrian holds up the blanket and gestures; come here, come get wrapped in this. Again, this is nonnegotiable, don't make it a whole thing.]
tell me if what he's saying makes 0 sense to adrian and ill fix lol
[Dimitri's fine, (not really, but when is he ever fine), don't fret, Adrian.
Oh, but it is not of course. Not to Felix, not at all. He doesn't understand why. He extracts himself a little from the animals and leans forward toward his roommate so he can wrap the blanket around him. Hm, he'll unpack how he feels about this caretaking later. For now, Dimitri is what's to be unpacked.]
Adrian. I abandoned him. I was born to defend him, and instead I walked away. Because of that and some other factors, he lost the war and died in my timeline. In his timeline, where I stayed, he's alive, he's won, he's King, and that version of me is his loyal Duke.
I also... Killed someone very important to him.
[The part he doesn't say: it was Felix's father.]
Suffice to say he owes me- this version of me- nothing. He has every reason to hate me. And yet... The fool sacrificed his own life to try to save me. The utter fucking fool.
[He clenches his fist and his jaw, obviously angry.]
If it had been permanent, we would both be gone now, when he could have gone on living.
it's all good lmao
But oh, there are timelines? Did he know this? He can't remember if he knew this from someone else or not, but different worlds aren't a far stretch from different timelines, so why not. Either way it's more mental notes about Felix's many horrible life experiences to keep track of, so, well. He can do that.]
Felix...
[Gods, where does he start. Okay.]
You don't really think so little of yourself, do you? Or of him? You aren't exchanging good deeds back and forth until someone gets tired of it, you know. That isn't how being close to someone works.
[Even if there were some extreme measures taken, it sounds like-- the point stands. Adrian knows what it's like to feel like the worst version of yourself, so on that level at least he can see where some of this is coming from.]
Whatever it is you think you deserve, apparently he disagrees. And unfortunately, we don't get to tell people how to feel about us.
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[Yet, the sheer distress in his voice and the tears that form in his eyes again suggest the exact opposite. It's not true, as much as he wishes it were. As much as the little voice inside him screams I am me! Felix Hugo Fraldarius! There is no one else! I'm my own person, with my own beliefs, and I make my own choices! he will always, always, in every single timeline, have an inherent attachment to Dimitri. They grew up together, they were bound together by circumstances of birth, and later, traumatic events. There is absolutely nothing Felix can do to fully cut ties to the Boar King, try as he has, and he hates it. He hates it so much. Independence is so important to him, and knowing that it's futile to even try at it because he'll always fall back into being the Boar's charge... It's a helpless feeling he can't stand.]
I can tell him he's an idiot to feel that way. And to throw his life away for me.
[He mutters this, but there's nothing that can stop the tears from leaking out, despite his clenched jaw and intense stare at... Nothing in particular. Little One senses his upset and nuzzles into his neck more.]
Doesn't it matter what I want? I don't want anyone to die for me, like how--
[Like how Glenn died for Dimitri. He shuts up before that comes out, wiping his face angrily.]
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Of course it matters what you want. You aren't the only one there is, that's-- that's all.
[Maybe contextualize outside of just dying, if that would help, although he doesn't know how to articulate that idea; how is anyone supposed to deal with this idea of dying and coming back like it's nothing? He squeezes Felix's shoulder instead.]
I think you have to talk this over with him. [How did that apology go the first time, buddy--] But I also think you have to let people care about you.
[A beat.]
And you have to be more careful out there. Both of you.
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You have to let people care about you. That is the issue, isn't it. He always tries to push people away just so they won't do stupid shit like this. But it never works. They care anyway, they do stupid things anyway, no matter what he does, no matter how mean he is.]
I'll just lose them again.
[If not to death, since apparently that's not possible here, then... Some other way.
He sighs as Adrian tells him to be careful. That makes him realize it's too late: Dimitri cares for him, Adrian does, probably Remi, maybe Hayden. Maybe even Imogen. If they're going to care anyway, maybe it's useless to try to push them away. A waste of energy.
That energy drains from him as he sinks further into the couch, further into Adrian.]
Fine. Your turn. Talk about how you feel.
[If he has to go through this ugly, painful display of vulnerability, you don't get off easy, asshole.]
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Honestly, he's a hack for saying all that other stuff, but at least it was true. He has nothing to say about getting close to people or losing them or any of that-- unless they're going to talk about people here, and even then, he is still frequently kind of stunned when people behave normally around him.
So, well, it's all he can do to fuss at the edge of the blanket a little, make sure Felix is still bundled up sufficiently when he leans into him more. Hmm.]
I-- What? About what?
[help.]
About what happened? I didn't know if you were busy, or hurt, or-- [skipping over dead,] gone from here. I was worried about you.
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Worried. Okay. Clear, by the way he's still fussing.]
... And now?
[Felix's eyes search his friend's face, curious, wondering. Because here they are, all but cuddling on this couch, and sure, they could make the excuse that Felix died, and all the times they've touched each other before were because they were cold, or drunk, or upset, or exhausted-- but those excuses are starting to feel thin, because Felix is not a touchy-feely person, and he knows Adrian is not, either. So... Perhaps this is an opening, an opportunity for Adrian to say something that's not an excuse, should be choose to take it.
And if it's not the right time, that's fine. They can just keep saying it's for some reason a necessity sit on the couch, Felix curled up against him, with their three pets surrounding them, in this house they share. That's normal platonic behaviour for two men, surely. Really, Felix doesn't know- he grew up in Faerghus, after all. He just died in the arms of a man he swore to be his enemy. What is normal, anyway?]
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And now--]
Well, I-- I care about you.
[And about their house and their pets and Felix in his blanket warm against his side. He cares that Felix is home, that they have this little home at all. He could be content with that, really.
And while he does care, very much, more than he expected to, well,] If you'll let me.
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Fine... If I must.
[The corner of his lip turns up wryly.]
And I'll try to be more careful.
[If Adrian cares for him, and if Felix isn't going to bother to push him away, the least he can do is not put the man through all this again.]
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Thank you. I won't have to keep you on house arrest.
[Ha ha, he might have done it though-- It's fine though, it's alright. He gives Felix's shoulder another squeeze, controlling himself from dragging him into another abrupt hug, as much as he wants to.
...And, raising an eyebrow,] If you must?
[Ahem? He is caring so much right now, be nice to him.]
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As if you could.
[Felix is an untamed animal- he does what he wants. But... Right now he sort of wants to please Adrian, who's been so sweet that Felix is feeling, for once, a bit soft.
He rolls his eyes, smiling. Felix then shifts to face Adrian, staying in his hold. He draws his feet up onto the couch, then into Adrian's lap. The cats move and find new spots to accommodate this shift, and Felix leans his head on his roommate's shoulder, now looking up a little to keep eyes on him.]
I'll let you care about me. I care about you, too. Now, don't make me say it again.
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Cw joking reference to self harm
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