[There's something to say here, maybe a "being with people and enjoying life means risking tragedy," but who is he to say anything like that? He, who has stayed on the fringes for so long, who doesn't have any friends back home who aren't just his students-- well!
Honestly, he's a hack for saying all that other stuff, but at least it was true. He has nothing to say about getting close to people or losing them or any of that-- unless they're going to talk about people here, and even then, he is still frequently kind of stunned when people behave normally around him.
So, well, it's all he can do to fuss at the edge of the blanket a little, make sure Felix is still bundled up sufficiently when he leans into him more. Hmm.]
I-- What? About what?
[help.]
About what happened? I didn't know if you were busy, or hurt, or-- [skipping over dead,] gone from here. I was worried about you.
[He gives Adrian a small glare, as if to say you know what. Don't play dumb! You have feelings too!
Worried. Okay. Clear, by the way he's still fussing.]
... And now?
[Felix's eyes search his friend's face, curious, wondering. Because here they are, all but cuddling on this couch, and sure, they could make the excuse that Felix died, and all the times they've touched each other before were because they were cold, or drunk, or upset, or exhausted-- but those excuses are starting to feel thin, because Felix is not a touchy-feely person, and he knows Adrian is not, either. So... Perhaps this is an opening, an opportunity for Adrian to say something that's not an excuse, should be choose to take it.
And if it's not the right time, that's fine. They can just keep saying it's for some reason a necessity sit on the couch, Felix curled up against him, with their three pets surrounding them, in this house they share. That's normal platonic behaviour for two men, surely. Really, Felix doesn't know- he grew up in Faerghus, after all. He just died in the arms of a man he swore to be his enemy. What is normal, anyway?]
[Who ever said he had feelings! Just kidding, it's everything he ever does, actually. Felix looks at him like that and Adrian almost wants to look somewhere else, to address the wall or something, but he doesn't. And now? And now he's relieved to have Felix at his side, wrapped up in this blanket and safe, here in their home and not--wherever he'd been, falling to his death out there.
And now--]
Well, I-- I care about you.
[And about their house and their pets and Felix in his blanket warm against his side. He cares that Felix is home, that they have this little home at all. He could be content with that, really.
And while he does care, very much, more than he expected to, well,] If you'll let me.
[It's unusual for Adrian to hold his gaze for so long, and it's no small feat for anyone to endure the burn of Felix's amber eyes. Though, right now it's less a roaring flame and more like the low smoulder of coals. A pleasant heat, not a searing one. They haven't stared at each other this long or close since that day he grabbed Adrian's wrist in the yard and scolded him lovingly to not be an idiot with magic. That day, Felix had looked away as though saving his retinas from the blinding sun, but now, his eyes stay locked on Adrian's face.]
Fine... If I must.
[The corner of his lip turns up wryly.]
And I'll try to be more careful.
[If Adrian cares for him, and if Felix isn't going to bother to push him away, the least he can do is not put the man through all this again.]
[It is a lot of Felix-gaze at once, but Adrian is serious about this; he cares for Felix too deeply to let him brush this off or avoid it in his gruff way-- not that his actual reaction isn't kind of gruff, but at least he's agreeing. Baby steps.]
Thank you. I won't have to keep you on house arrest.
[Ha ha, he might have done it though-- It's fine though, it's alright. He gives Felix's shoulder another squeeze, controlling himself from dragging him into another abrupt hug, as much as he wants to.
...And, raising an eyebrow,] If you must?
[Ahem? He is caring so much right now, be nice to him.]
[Felix is an untamed animal- he does what he wants. But... Right now he sort of wants to please Adrian, who's been so sweet that Felix is feeling, for once, a bit soft.
He rolls his eyes, smiling. Felix then shifts to face Adrian, staying in his hold. He draws his feet up onto the couch, then into Adrian's lap. The cats move and find new spots to accommodate this shift, and Felix leans his head on his roommate's shoulder, now looking up a little to keep eyes on him.]
I'll let you care about me. I care about you, too. Now, don't make me say it again.
[He seems pretty tamed right about now, actually-- Or: this is a lot of Felix, suddenly and unexpected and, hm, not unwelcome. Adrian is still for a moment in the exact way one is still when a cat decides to crawl onto them, but he adjusts and slides his arm a little lower around Felix, more comfortably.
This is definitely cuddling on the couch. And with the bonus admission from Felix, ah-- Adrian is... happy. The worry and stress of the past few days haven't entirely faded, but they're so much easier to ignore right now. At the same time it feels like a delicately spun thing, like Adrian shouldn't move too suddenly or he'll break the spell.
But that's silly. He's an adult. Idly he brushes a lock of Felix's hair out of his face, giving him a look.]
[Somehow, some way, Adrian has tamed Felix in record time. From completely feral to domesticated- or, well, getting there, eventually.
This is certainly not an awkward Christian side-hug, and as Adrian touches his hair it's hard to lie to himself or doubt it any further: there is something here. Felix doesn't know what that something is, exactly- it feels foreign, yet somehow completely familiar. Like trying on a brand new sweater and finding it fits perfectly, and then never wanting to take it off. He never imagined it could feel easy to put his feet in another man's lap, or anyone's lap for that matter, but here he is, looking up into Adrian's face.
At those words, he does start to blush a little, his heartbeat picking up. But he doesn't look away, doesn't frown or brush Adrian off. He still smiles faintly, and his eyes still flicker around Adrian's face with a curious intensity.]
[This house is no longer part of a Christian Minecraft server. Or: this is the closest Adrian has been to anyone in a very long time, both physically and otherwise. He's glad that it's Felix, and even more he enjoys the way Felix looks at him from this close, so--attentive. He can't miss the blush or the little smile, and he can't help smiling back in turn.
He drops his hand away from Felix's face, linking his fingers together with his other hand so both arms are around Felix, holding him there. As if he was super eager to get up and run off immediately after putting his feet in Adrian's lap-- listen. It's the done thing.
Probably. Now, of course Felix cares about him, he's known that underneath the prickly exterior for a while, but,]
[The arms around him feel very nice, secure. That unsafe, shaken feeling he had upon waking from death is just a memory now. It's hard not to feel safe when you're surrounded by warm arms, a blanket, loving animals, and a cozy house.
But, hm, he was pretty bold when he said that, and now he has to back it up. He could go on about how when he scolds Adrian for overdoing it or makes a post for him on the network without his consent, that's his way of showing he cares- but Adrian knows that already. Besides, words are getting more difficult to form by the second, as he becomes hyper-aware of how close they are, and as thoughts of kissing Adrian come crashing into his mind, crowding out all others. Felix keeps looking at his lips, now, and his heart starts pounding, because he's never kissed someone before, and what if Adrian doesn't want that? What if it ruins everything they've built here?
Felix leans closer, slowly, watching Adrian's face intently for any signs of panic. He can't bring himself to kiss him just yet, but he gets near enough to brush the tip of his nose against the side of Adrian's with a small hum.]
[Briefly, Adrian wonders two things: first, is this-- well, can he do this? Can he do this, is this all going to go belly up as soon as possible like the rest of his life has done, over and over? And second, is this, hm, the exactly correct time? Felix has just woken up from being dead, so maybe he should let him rest for a night, or...
Luckily Felix leaning in chases that second thought away as quickly as it comes; the other one he'll have to deal with eventually, but not right now. How close they are makes him a little giddy, almost, something heart-pounding in a way that's both delightful and terrifying. A laugh escapes him, barely more than a huff of breath, warm and fond.]
Felix... [He could tilt his head barely an inch and kiss him right now, but-- well, this is Felix's little bit, isn't it? Felix should get to lead, but that doesn't stop him from murmuring,] Go on.
[Felix had wondered if this would be too soon for Adrian, but not a thought was given to the fact that he just rose from the grave- he's far too impulsive to care about that.
The verbal encouragement is needed, and it also sends a rush of desire through him, hearing that laugh and his name said in that enticing tone. He can feel Adrian's breath on his lips now, and it's nearly enough to make him shiver with anticipation.
At first, it's merely a tilt of the chin and a soft brush of their lips, and even that makes Felix exhale shakily, his eyelids fluttering shut. Then he tries for an actual kiss, whatever that is supposed to be like- a small press together, a slight interlock before parting.
The warmth of it, the exhilaration, makes him want more immediately. His hand comes up to gently grip the back of Adrian's neck, and he presses their lips together more firmly, with a hint of urgency, as he inhales sharply through his nose.
Oh, this may awaken something in him. Unleash something.]
[The first kiss is barely a kiss, frankly, but it's still quite sweet all things considered. A bit of a surprise, if only because Felix is so intense about everything else; Adrian smiles into it and presses his lips right back into attempt number two, just as sweet and tender.
And then oh, there's some of that Felix intensity. Adrian tightens his grip around Felix, pulling him that much further into his own lap as he kisses him back. It's still just a hard press of lips, but he's realizing all at once that he's been wanting this for longer than he was fully aware of it, and so--
Well, so. He looses one hand to cup the back of Felix's head and fiddle around for whatever hair tie he's got holding up that silly ponytail; no more of this, thank you, he would like free hair to run his fingers through. And--
And he sputters abruptly and breaks the kiss after he suddenly makes eye contact with the poor, confused baby dragon perched on the couch behind Felix still. Oh my god. He thinks very loudly about how this is, um, dad time, but not the kind of dad time where they coo over how pretty she is, ahem. Please.
This doesn't stop him from kissing Felix again, however. He can do two things at once.]
[Look, Felix is a turbo-virgin; he'd be starting off more confident if he knew anything about kissing or sex to begin with, but Fodlan doesn't even have sex-ed. Anything he knows about it is from Sylvain, and that is not a good source.
Hes relieved that Adrian isn't bringing any of his usual trepidation to this, though. Soon Felix's desire takes over any attempt at doing things right in a technical sense, because all that matters is more, closer, want, need. He wraps both arms around Adrian's neck now and scoots onto his lap as he's pulled. He helps Adrian pull out the hair tie, unleashing his silky dark mane, but then Adrian stops.
Felix blinks his eyes open to the bewildered Adrian looking behind him, and turns his head to see the little dragon staring at them curiously.]
Uhhhh.
[Fuck. Their thoughts are about to get to a rating that a baby should not be witness to. He thinks very hard about a different room in the house, the farthest one away he can imagine, and how very lovely and cozy it is in there. She seems to get the hint, sneezes in confused acceptance, and reluctantly leaves the room.
As soon as she takes one step away, Felix is back to kissing Adrian greedily, except he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing, so their lips are mashing together in all sorts of ways. He's breathless, pulling closer still, until he decides this position is too awkward and moves to straddle Adrian's lap.]
[Oh, good, she's left for a safe location. The cats will get bored and leave on their own--in fact he already doesn't see one, who must have realized whatever all of that face-mashing human stuff is isn't treat time for cats and slinked away already. Lucky for everyone involved; Adrian is more than happy to stop forcing himself to think "aaaaa" for the dragon's sake and go back to thinking about where on Felix he'd like to put his hands.
It's his thighs right now, by the way, particularly as Felix shifts to straddle him. That's very smoothly done in the way the rest of Felix's eager affection is, ah, less so-- don't get him wrong, it's a rush to feel this wanted, and it's endearing the way Felix doesn't completely know what to do with himself. He's not going to complain about Felix in his lap, good god, he's not a fool, buuuut...
The mashing. One hand squeezes Felix's thigh, the other sliding to the side of his neck as he leans just a smidge out of mashing range.]
Here, [he mumbles, and he means hang on a second and maybe try this and he kisses Felix slow and deliberate, lips slightly parted, no less intense than what they've already been doing-- but letting the heat of it build into this one kiss instead of popping immediately in all kinds of hasty mashing. There's a time and place for haste, sure, but let him kiss Felix like this first, like he has a point to prove and that point is unraveling him a little.
Adrian has kissed somebody before, after all, please hold surprise until the end.]
[Felix has never been a man of patience, and it's still so exhilarating that Adrian wants him at all that he's gotten a bit carried away. Adrian taking control to redirect that energy gives Felix pause. He realizes with a bit of embarrassment that Adrian probably does know what he's doing, or at least he seems to, with how deliberate he is. And yes, it is a bit surprising, given how Adrian had been all heavens no about love potions at the party, how Felix has noticed him swerve away from anyone getting flirty with him, et cetera.
But it's atttactive, and not at all unwelcome, to be guided by him. The slowness of it gives Felix's mind some time to catch up with everything happening, and time to attend to the sensations more thoroughly- the softness of Adrian's lips, the light brush of his stubble, those warm hands on his still-aching thigh and neck. Felix melts into him a little, following his lead with the kiss, trying to move his mouth the way Adrian does. Trying to learn. It's sort of like being taught a sparring position by having someone touch you to put you in the right place, and he was ever an eager student with that, so why should this be any different?
He experiments with his tongue a little, slipping it out just slightly to brush Adrian's lower lip, trying not to think of anything disgusting Sylvain ever said about tongue-kissing. Clearly, it is a thing, but whether it's a thing most people like, and specifically whether Adrian likes it, he's not sure.]
[It's fine, he can do extreme gymnastics to get away from flirty situations and also be very into Felix at the same time, it tracks-- if Felix ever flirted in anything close to a standard "flirty" way, Adrian might wonder if he'd been replaced by a lizard person, or something.
So it's going well, and he's very compelled by Felix's bumbling enthusiasm and utter disregard for how anything "should be" done. That enthusiasm is contagious, even as Adrian consciously slows them down a little bit; it all comes out through his hands, wandering up and down Felix's thigh, finally running his fingers into his loose hair and curling into a gentle grip.
He hums low and encouragingly into the kiss, parting his lips a bit further to welcome Felix's tentative little exploration. Yes, he likes that, Felix can do more of that if he wants to; Adrian sucks at Felix's lower lip a bit, gently. Felix's drive to learn is highly attractive in a way that tests Adrian's self control, pitting his enjoyment of how slow and tender this is against his new urge to turn and pin Felix to the couch and kiss him breathless.
One thing at a time. He leans back against the cushions instead, bringing Felix to lean more flush against him.]
[It's clicked for him now that Adrian simply isn't interested in being with someone he hasn't first built solid trust and friendship with- and if Adrian only has eyes for Felix, far be it from him to complain. He'd be very pleased by that, actually.
Adrian's technique is good. Felix can see now that the mashing would have quickly turned their lips raw and tingling- this slow way is less sensation, but the sensations that are there are much more pleasant. It's like the way one strategic, well-timed, well-placed strike could fell an opponent in an instant, whereas a barrage of aggressive, poorly aimed strikes could all miss and open you up to counter-attack. And the same way Adrian might teach Felix the basics of swordsmanship if he weren't already so good at it, he teaches him kissing by gently demonstrating. Felix likes that- he's a fast learner, and Adrian is a good teacher. His sucking of Felix's lip makes him shiver, and he then tries doing that to Adrian in return, with his upper lip, before sneaking his tongue inside his mouth a little.
Amidst all this curious learning, however, Felix's attention keeps getting drawn to Adrian's hands. Moving along his thigh, threading into his hair, gripping it enough that his thoughts go hazy. His body burns for those hands- the same ones that expertly wield a blade, steadily hold his hand, and suffer at the expense of magic, Felix imagines touching him everywhere. Pushing, pulling, grabbing, rubbing. That desire distracts him from their little kissing lesson, makes him wrap his own hands around the base of Adrian's skull and slide his fingers up into his hair, nails scraping at his scalp gently as he grips brown locks, not hard, but with a certain greediness. He readily presses his body against Adrian's, his hips automatically rolling forward to seek some kind of pressure. His breathing is heavy and staggered, and he's nearly overwhelmed with sheer want.
Anyone from home would be floored that anyone got this far with Felix. He always insisted he was more comfortable with a blade than a romantic partner, and was so singularly focused on his goals that he ignored the potential entirely. Sex isn't even something he thinks about much- if his thoughts are getting too horny and pesky, he usually just masturbates quickly to get rid of them and get on with other things.
But this perfect storm of a man, against all odds, has caught his attention, slipped past his defenses, gained his trust, and now... It would seem that Felix actually does have an ocean of sexual desire lurking beneath the surface, it just needed the right person to come out for. Adrian, it seems, has now opened Pandora's box.]
[It's safe to say now that Adrian only has eyes for Felix-- and lips, and hands, and the rest-- It's only Felix who brings this out in him, makes him feel like he's someone worth desiring, like he's worth learning any of this for. Every little thing he does is electric; the way he shifts, each new press of his lips and tongue, the fingers raked through Adrian's hair all come together in one perfectly overwhelming package that Adrian thinks it would be easy to get lost in if he's not careful. Maybe even if he is-- maybe he should.
To wit, he makes a soft noise in his throat as he parts his lips for Felix's tongue, encouraging and wanting. He drags his hand out of Felix's hair, letting the smooth locks drag pleasingly over his fingers. Suddenly he wants nothing more than to get Felix to press against him like that again, trailing those fingers from his hair down his spine, dipping into the small of his back and splaying his hand flat, a gentle and insistent pressure. The more Felix falls into him the more Adrian wants to keep him there, all warm mouth and tight grip, their breathing mixing together as he stops kissing him, briefly, to murmur hot against his lips,]
That's-- that's good. [Ah, be specific,] My hair. You can.
[Absolutely pull his hair, he wants that very badly actually. Now that he's stopped to say actual words for a second he lingers there up close, eyes roving over Felix's face, a smile playing over his features that is, in fact, giddy and embarrassing. There are real adult words to be had here, and they'll get there eventually, but right now all Adrian wants is to feel. He tilts his head to press a quicker kiss to the corner of Felix's mouth and even that is a heady rush, spurring him on to trail kisses down to Felix's jaw and down the side of his neck.
One for how Felix cares for him more than anyone has; two for the way he reacts to each thing Adrian does; three for the way Adrian's head spins with affection and want a half dozen other things-- and a handful more just for himself.]
[The careful pull of Adrian's hand through his hair, the verbal encouragement, and the hand on the small of his back, pressing his hips forward... It's more than his brain can process, so his body reacts automatically. As Adrian gazes upon him, he'll see Felix's pupils blown wide in lidded amber eyes, a heavy blush on his cheeks, and a dazed, utterly lustful expression. His body instantly flushes with heat, and as Adrian kisses his jaw and neck, Felix drives his hips into him. He leans forward so that Adrian's mouth will still make contact with his neck as he pulls the man's hair hard enough to tilt his head backward.
And for the first time in front of another person, Felix moans.
An opening of his jaw as he tilts his own head back, and a breathy exhaled sound from deep in his throat that sounds at once overwhelmed and desperate for more. His hips roll hard and greedy against Adrian's as though they've always known how to do this and the ability was just lying dormant.
At some point, Felix may realize that Sylvain probably could have pulled this out of him if he'd ever really tried- but he hadn't. He'd only focused on girls, so Felix pushed his feelings so far down into the abyss that even he didn't know they were there. He'd repressed all of it, every sexual or romantic emotion he ever had toward anyone, along with a lot of other regular emotions, too, in favor of focusing on his goals. Besides, war doesn't leave much room for things like this.
So, Adrian is the only person who both had the ability to do this to him, and actually wanted to, thus opening him up for those years of repressed feelings to explode outward. All of those feelings flood him now as he can no longer think straight at all, as his body seems to move almost without his own say in it. He wants more from Adrian, he wants everything, he wants to be the weapon he expertly wields, he wants to learn all the intricate ways to press his buttons and make him scream, he wants to consume him and be consumed. But Felix has never done this before, and it's all happening so fast. A small part of him is looking on at this, terrified of the vulnerability Felix is showing with a man who, in the grand scheme of things, he hasn't known for very long. A tinier part of him is screaming at him to slow the fuck down, and he can just barely hear it over the roar of his own desire.]
Fuck, Adrian, I--
[He doesn't know what he's trying to say, because forming a sentence is currently beyond him, but his tone of voice and ragged breath should be enough to signal that this is amazing, but it's also a lot, and perhaps he needs a moment to breathe.]
[Oh, and that's a lot of Felix all at once-- Even as Adrian's head is pulled back, the sting in his scalp is just the right amount of pleasurably sharp to make his breath catch, kissing Felix's neck and throat with renewed hunger. He wants ever more of Felix, the rough roll of his hips and every noise and trembling breath he takes, the greedy satisfaction that he, Adrian, can make Felix feel like this. He, Adrian, who had given up years ago on ever really getting close to someone again, let alone like this, can undo Felix's guard as smoothly as he let down his hair.
Not that he hasn't been nearly as lost in it this whole time, himself. Every part of his body that touches Felix's feels like it's catching fire, and his every thought is Felix, and wanting Felix, and wanting Felix to want him.
--Well, more than this. Differently. This and other things, as he finds that in between much baser thoughts about Felix in his lap, fingers in his hair, sweet sounds eked out with the press of Adrian's lips-- he thinks about their home here, together. Making dinner, the crease Felix gets in his brow when he sharpens his sword, the easy comfort of just being around each other.
It's soft in the exact way this thing between them right now is suddenly tipping back into hasty mashing territory, and Adrian wants Felix more than he's wanted anyone in a while but he's not a brute; Felix says his name like that and he practically feels himself stumble back down to a... calmer level, just tucking his head into the crook of Felix's neck to come down for a bit.
He'll slow them down again, lifting his head to press a single, chaste kiss to Felix's lips and wrap his arms around his waist.
Breathe; he's still here. He also could use a moment, all things considered.]
[Despite their short time together, Adrian knows him. Maybe it's the sheer amount of time they spend around each other, but Adrian can almost always pick up on the finer points of the complicated and evasive language Felix speaks. The kind of language where his silence and the small tells of his body language usually say far more than his words. The kind of language where he often says the exact opposite of what he really feels. Perhaps it's Adrian's willingness to attempt to understand Felix, a quiet patience for his blunt weird grumpy way of communicating, that makes him so effortless to be around. Perhaps he fits perfectly because he knows how to mould himself around Felix's sharp edges and fill in his weird gaps like some sort of thick, silky liquid.
And of course, this moment is no different, where Felix is saying I need a minute without saying that at all, and Adrian just knows, and gives him that. Hungry kisses against his neck turn instantly to the soft brush of Adrian's hair as he presses his forehead there. Felix's grip on his hair, in turn, becomes a cradling of the back of his head. His hips don't stop moving immediately, but they slow and soften considerably.
Felix's breathing sounds like he's just had a long and intense bout of sparring. He's a bit light-headed. There's even a tiny vocalization on an exhale here or there, as that lustful energy is still leaking out of him. Adrian kisses him, holds him, and Felix slumps forward a little to rest his chin on his Roommate's shoulder and try to relax himself. He ignores Adrian's awkward mumbling and interjects his own mumbling that's awkward in another way.]
I've never--
[His next huff is slightly frustrated, because this is embarrassing to admit. Adrian can probably tell he's inexperienced, but he still needs to say it, to make sure. It's only fair that Adrian knows what he's dealing with, and only fair to Felix that Adrian has an inkling that they should maybe take things slow despite Felix's obvious desire to speedrun it.]
[Ages ago Adrian trained to be part of a team, to understand the subtle reactions and responses of a dozen other people at a glance, to keep the team operating smoothly; perhaps it's that old experience that lends itself to molding against Felix's sharpest edges. Not that he does it automatically, no, it took Felix's gruff and sometimes clumsy efforts to care about him and his business to get him there, first; now that they've spent enough time together, Felix's half-sentences aren't hard to parse at all.
And, you know, basic logic-- neither of them are exactly the type to go any further than this now, immediately after realizing there was a "further" to head for in the first place. He's just as content to sit like this, without any--mashing, and to turn his head to press a kiss to Felix's temple. It's more of a smush of his mouth and chin against Felix's hair at this angle, but it's affectionate, so please accept it.
He's quiet, just looking out... across the room... yeah, it was fairly obvious that Felix hasn't done this before. Adrian doesn't say anything immediately-- mostly because his immediate thought is oh REALLY, and he knows that's only going to annoy Felix no matter how like a joke he can make it sound. Ahem.]
That's alright. I mean, I'm here for you, not... [He shrugs, trailing off; it's not the experience that's the point.]
[Adrian has his share of half-sentences, too, but for some reason it doesn't usually irritate Felix the way it would with anyone else. Maybe because he's intrigued enough by Adrian to try to piece the rest of the sentence together himself, and usually ends up getting there. Like right now, when the sentence is unfinished but he gets Adrian's meaning anyway. He allows that sentiment, and the kiss against his hair, to soothe him a little.]
Okay.
[He believes it. He closes his eyes and focuses on taking deeper breaths as their chests heave against each other. Attending to his body again, it's still quite warm, and he's hard and throbbing where his hips are now stilled against Adrian. Good Goddess.]
Fuck, you're so... It's...
[He heaves another little huff, laying his cheek more firmly on Adrian's shoulder. Can Adrian make sense of that one? His tone sounds flustered.]
It's intense. I've never felt like this.
[Welp. What's a little more vulnerability on this wildly vulnerable journey of dying and coming back to life. He's going to have to go for a long walk in the woods later, or something.]
[All things considered it would probably be easier to calm down if they would just let go of each other-- but then that would mean letting go of each other, and Adrian is loath to do that just yet. It would be more awkward than not to sit on opposite ends of the couch and not look at each other, after all, and quite simply, it feels nice to still be pressed close like this.
In, hm, several ways; he's not not hard, but he's trying very diligently not to move too much, so as not to draw attention to it. Felix is already in his lap, so he's failed step one, but like, maybe step two (continue to not fidget) is achievable. He's trying.
He thinks he can piece together that flustered non-sentence, though, because he chuckles lightly and says,] So are you.
[With the way he's sitting, there are even so many very kissable parts of Felix just inches away, and it would be so very easy to rile him up again, but-- slow. Slow and steady.]
We don't have to, you know, do anything, [he says, soft and quiet. They've already pulled the brake, but he feels like it's worth saying it out loud, properly, just like the part about how much experience either of them has-- there are no demands or expectations here. Just earnest bumbling, honestly.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Honestly, he's a hack for saying all that other stuff, but at least it was true. He has nothing to say about getting close to people or losing them or any of that-- unless they're going to talk about people here, and even then, he is still frequently kind of stunned when people behave normally around him.
So, well, it's all he can do to fuss at the edge of the blanket a little, make sure Felix is still bundled up sufficiently when he leans into him more. Hmm.]
I-- What? About what?
[help.]
About what happened? I didn't know if you were busy, or hurt, or-- [skipping over dead,] gone from here. I was worried about you.
no subject
Worried. Okay. Clear, by the way he's still fussing.]
... And now?
[Felix's eyes search his friend's face, curious, wondering. Because here they are, all but cuddling on this couch, and sure, they could make the excuse that Felix died, and all the times they've touched each other before were because they were cold, or drunk, or upset, or exhausted-- but those excuses are starting to feel thin, because Felix is not a touchy-feely person, and he knows Adrian is not, either. So... Perhaps this is an opening, an opportunity for Adrian to say something that's not an excuse, should be choose to take it.
And if it's not the right time, that's fine. They can just keep saying it's for some reason a necessity sit on the couch, Felix curled up against him, with their three pets surrounding them, in this house they share. That's normal platonic behaviour for two men, surely. Really, Felix doesn't know- he grew up in Faerghus, after all. He just died in the arms of a man he swore to be his enemy. What is normal, anyway?]
no subject
And now--]
Well, I-- I care about you.
[And about their house and their pets and Felix in his blanket warm against his side. He cares that Felix is home, that they have this little home at all. He could be content with that, really.
And while he does care, very much, more than he expected to, well,] If you'll let me.
no subject
Fine... If I must.
[The corner of his lip turns up wryly.]
And I'll try to be more careful.
[If Adrian cares for him, and if Felix isn't going to bother to push him away, the least he can do is not put the man through all this again.]
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Thank you. I won't have to keep you on house arrest.
[Ha ha, he might have done it though-- It's fine though, it's alright. He gives Felix's shoulder another squeeze, controlling himself from dragging him into another abrupt hug, as much as he wants to.
...And, raising an eyebrow,] If you must?
[Ahem? He is caring so much right now, be nice to him.]
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As if you could.
[Felix is an untamed animal- he does what he wants. But... Right now he sort of wants to please Adrian, who's been so sweet that Felix is feeling, for once, a bit soft.
He rolls his eyes, smiling. Felix then shifts to face Adrian, staying in his hold. He draws his feet up onto the couch, then into Adrian's lap. The cats move and find new spots to accommodate this shift, and Felix leans his head on his roommate's shoulder, now looking up a little to keep eyes on him.]
I'll let you care about me. I care about you, too. Now, don't make me say it again.
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This is definitely cuddling on the couch. And with the bonus admission from Felix, ah-- Adrian is... happy. The worry and stress of the past few days haven't entirely faded, but they're so much easier to ignore right now. At the same time it feels like a delicately spun thing, like Adrian shouldn't move too suddenly or he'll break the spell.
But that's silly. He's an adult. Idly he brushes a lock of Felix's hair out of his face, giving him a look.]
What if I like to hear you say it?
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This is certainly not an awkward Christian side-hug, and as Adrian touches his hair it's hard to lie to himself or doubt it any further: there is something here. Felix doesn't know what that something is, exactly- it feels foreign, yet somehow completely familiar. Like trying on a brand new sweater and finding it fits perfectly, and then never wanting to take it off. He never imagined it could feel easy to put his feet in another man's lap, or anyone's lap for that matter, but here he is, looking up into Adrian's face.
At those words, he does start to blush a little, his heartbeat picking up. But he doesn't look away, doesn't frown or brush Adrian off. He still smiles faintly, and his eyes still flicker around Adrian's face with a curious intensity.]
I have other ways to prove it.
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He drops his hand away from Felix's face, linking his fingers together with his other hand so both arms are around Felix, holding him there. As if he was super eager to get up and run off immediately after putting his feet in Adrian's lap-- listen. It's the done thing.
Probably. Now, of course Felix cares about him, he's known that underneath the prickly exterior for a while, but,]
Do you? Like what?
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But, hm, he was pretty bold when he said that, and now he has to back it up. He could go on about how when he scolds Adrian for overdoing it or makes a post for him on the network without his consent, that's his way of showing he cares- but Adrian knows that already. Besides, words are getting more difficult to form by the second, as he becomes hyper-aware of how close they are, and as thoughts of kissing Adrian come crashing into his mind, crowding out all others. Felix keeps looking at his lips, now, and his heart starts pounding, because he's never kissed someone before, and what if Adrian doesn't want that? What if it ruins everything they've built here?
Felix leans closer, slowly, watching Adrian's face intently for any signs of panic. He can't bring himself to kiss him just yet, but he gets near enough to brush the tip of his nose against the side of Adrian's with a small hum.]
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Luckily Felix leaning in chases that second thought away as quickly as it comes; the other one he'll have to deal with eventually, but not right now. How close they are makes him a little giddy, almost, something heart-pounding in a way that's both delightful and terrifying. A laugh escapes him, barely more than a huff of breath, warm and fond.]
Felix... [He could tilt his head barely an inch and kiss him right now, but-- well, this is Felix's little bit, isn't it? Felix should get to lead, but that doesn't stop him from murmuring,] Go on.
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The verbal encouragement is needed, and it also sends a rush of desire through him, hearing that laugh and his name said in that enticing tone. He can feel Adrian's breath on his lips now, and it's nearly enough to make him shiver with anticipation.
At first, it's merely a tilt of the chin and a soft brush of their lips, and even that makes Felix exhale shakily, his eyelids fluttering shut. Then he tries for an actual kiss, whatever that is supposed to be like- a small press together, a slight interlock before parting.
The warmth of it, the exhilaration, makes him want more immediately. His hand comes up to gently grip the back of Adrian's neck, and he presses their lips together more firmly, with a hint of urgency, as he inhales sharply through his nose.
Oh, this may awaken something in him. Unleash something.]
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And then oh, there's some of that Felix intensity. Adrian tightens his grip around Felix, pulling him that much further into his own lap as he kisses him back. It's still just a hard press of lips, but he's realizing all at once that he's been wanting this for longer than he was fully aware of it, and so--
Well, so. He looses one hand to cup the back of Felix's head and fiddle around for whatever hair tie he's got holding up that silly ponytail; no more of this, thank you, he would like free hair to run his fingers through. And--
And he sputters abruptly and breaks the kiss after he suddenly makes eye contact with the poor, confused baby dragon perched on the couch behind Felix still. Oh my god. He thinks very loudly about how this is, um, dad time, but not the kind of dad time where they coo over how pretty she is, ahem. Please.
This doesn't stop him from kissing Felix again, however. He can do two things at once.]
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Hes relieved that Adrian isn't bringing any of his usual trepidation to this, though. Soon Felix's desire takes over any attempt at doing things right in a technical sense, because all that matters is more, closer, want, need. He wraps both arms around Adrian's neck now and scoots onto his lap as he's pulled. He helps Adrian pull out the hair tie, unleashing his silky dark mane, but then Adrian stops.
Felix blinks his eyes open to the bewildered Adrian looking behind him, and turns his head to see the little dragon staring at them curiously.]
Uhhhh.
[Fuck. Their thoughts are about to get to a rating that a baby should not be witness to. He thinks very hard about a different room in the house, the farthest one away he can imagine, and how very lovely and cozy it is in there. She seems to get the hint, sneezes in confused acceptance, and reluctantly leaves the room.
As soon as she takes one step away, Felix is back to kissing Adrian greedily, except he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing, so their lips are mashing together in all sorts of ways. He's breathless, pulling closer still, until he decides this position is too awkward and moves to straddle Adrian's lap.]
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It's his thighs right now, by the way, particularly as Felix shifts to straddle him. That's very smoothly done in the way the rest of Felix's eager affection is, ah, less so-- don't get him wrong, it's a rush to feel this wanted, and it's endearing the way Felix doesn't completely know what to do with himself. He's not going to complain about Felix in his lap, good god, he's not a fool, buuuut...
The mashing. One hand squeezes Felix's thigh, the other sliding to the side of his neck as he leans just a smidge out of mashing range.]
Here, [he mumbles, and he means hang on a second and maybe try this and he kisses Felix slow and deliberate, lips slightly parted, no less intense than what they've already been doing-- but letting the heat of it build into this one kiss instead of popping immediately in all kinds of hasty mashing. There's a time and place for haste, sure, but let him kiss Felix like this first, like he has a point to prove and that point is unraveling him a little.
Adrian has kissed somebody before, after all, please hold surprise until the end.]
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But it's atttactive, and not at all unwelcome, to be guided by him. The slowness of it gives Felix's mind some time to catch up with everything happening, and time to attend to the sensations more thoroughly- the softness of Adrian's lips, the light brush of his stubble, those warm hands on his still-aching thigh and neck. Felix melts into him a little, following his lead with the kiss, trying to move his mouth the way Adrian does. Trying to learn. It's sort of like being taught a sparring position by having someone touch you to put you in the right place, and he was ever an eager student with that, so why should this be any different?
He experiments with his tongue a little, slipping it out just slightly to brush Adrian's lower lip, trying not to think of anything disgusting Sylvain ever said about tongue-kissing. Clearly, it is a thing, but whether it's a thing most people like, and specifically whether Adrian likes it, he's not sure.]
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So it's going well, and he's very compelled by Felix's bumbling enthusiasm and utter disregard for how anything "should be" done. That enthusiasm is contagious, even as Adrian consciously slows them down a little bit; it all comes out through his hands, wandering up and down Felix's thigh, finally running his fingers into his loose hair and curling into a gentle grip.
He hums low and encouragingly into the kiss, parting his lips a bit further to welcome Felix's tentative little exploration. Yes, he likes that, Felix can do more of that if he wants to; Adrian sucks at Felix's lower lip a bit, gently. Felix's drive to learn is highly attractive in a way that tests Adrian's self control, pitting his enjoyment of how slow and tender this is against his new urge to turn and pin Felix to the couch and kiss him breathless.
One thing at a time. He leans back against the cushions instead, bringing Felix to lean more flush against him.]
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Adrian's technique is good. Felix can see now that the mashing would have quickly turned their lips raw and tingling- this slow way is less sensation, but the sensations that are there are much more pleasant. It's like the way one strategic, well-timed, well-placed strike could fell an opponent in an instant, whereas a barrage of aggressive, poorly aimed strikes could all miss and open you up to counter-attack. And the same way Adrian might teach Felix the basics of swordsmanship if he weren't already so good at it, he teaches him kissing by gently demonstrating. Felix likes that- he's a fast learner, and Adrian is a good teacher. His sucking of Felix's lip makes him shiver, and he then tries doing that to Adrian in return, with his upper lip, before sneaking his tongue inside his mouth a little.
Amidst all this curious learning, however, Felix's attention keeps getting drawn to Adrian's hands. Moving along his thigh, threading into his hair, gripping it enough that his thoughts go hazy. His body burns for those hands- the same ones that expertly wield a blade, steadily hold his hand, and suffer at the expense of magic, Felix imagines touching him everywhere. Pushing, pulling, grabbing, rubbing. That desire distracts him from their little kissing lesson, makes him wrap his own hands around the base of Adrian's skull and slide his fingers up into his hair, nails scraping at his scalp gently as he grips brown locks, not hard, but with a certain greediness. He readily presses his body against Adrian's, his hips automatically rolling forward to seek some kind of pressure. His breathing is heavy and staggered, and he's nearly overwhelmed with sheer want.
Anyone from home would be floored that anyone got this far with Felix. He always insisted he was more comfortable with a blade than a romantic partner, and was so singularly focused on his goals that he ignored the potential entirely. Sex isn't even something he thinks about much- if his thoughts are getting too horny and pesky, he usually just masturbates quickly to get rid of them and get on with other things.
But this perfect storm of a man, against all odds, has caught his attention, slipped past his defenses, gained his trust, and now... It would seem that Felix actually does have an ocean of sexual desire lurking beneath the surface, it just needed the right person to come out for. Adrian, it seems, has now opened Pandora's box.]
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To wit, he makes a soft noise in his throat as he parts his lips for Felix's tongue, encouraging and wanting. He drags his hand out of Felix's hair, letting the smooth locks drag pleasingly over his fingers. Suddenly he wants nothing more than to get Felix to press against him like that again, trailing those fingers from his hair down his spine, dipping into the small of his back and splaying his hand flat, a gentle and insistent pressure. The more Felix falls into him the more Adrian wants to keep him there, all warm mouth and tight grip, their breathing mixing together as he stops kissing him, briefly, to murmur hot against his lips,]
That's-- that's good. [Ah, be specific,] My hair. You can.
[Absolutely pull his hair, he wants that very badly actually. Now that he's stopped to say actual words for a second he lingers there up close, eyes roving over Felix's face, a smile playing over his features that is, in fact, giddy and embarrassing. There are real adult words to be had here, and they'll get there eventually, but right now all Adrian wants is to feel. He tilts his head to press a quicker kiss to the corner of Felix's mouth and even that is a heady rush, spurring him on to trail kisses down to Felix's jaw and down the side of his neck.
One for how Felix cares for him more than anyone has; two for the way he reacts to each thing Adrian does; three for the way Adrian's head spins with affection and want a half dozen other things-- and a handful more just for himself.]
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And for the first time in front of another person, Felix moans.
An opening of his jaw as he tilts his own head back, and a breathy exhaled sound from deep in his throat that sounds at once overwhelmed and desperate for more. His hips roll hard and greedy against Adrian's as though they've always known how to do this and the ability was just lying dormant.
At some point, Felix may realize that Sylvain probably could have pulled this out of him if he'd ever really tried- but he hadn't. He'd only focused on girls, so Felix pushed his feelings so far down into the abyss that even he didn't know they were there. He'd repressed all of it, every sexual or romantic emotion he ever had toward anyone, along with a lot of other regular emotions, too, in favor of focusing on his goals. Besides, war doesn't leave much room for things like this.
So, Adrian is the only person who both had the ability to do this to him, and actually wanted to, thus opening him up for those years of repressed feelings to explode outward. All of those feelings flood him now as he can no longer think straight at all, as his body seems to move almost without his own say in it. He wants more from Adrian, he wants everything, he wants to be the weapon he expertly wields, he wants to learn all the intricate ways to press his buttons and make him scream, he wants to consume him and be consumed. But Felix has never done this before, and it's all happening so fast. A small part of him is looking on at this, terrified of the vulnerability Felix is showing with a man who, in the grand scheme of things, he hasn't known for very long. A tinier part of him is screaming at him to slow the fuck down, and he can just barely hear it over the roar of his own desire.]
Fuck, Adrian, I--
[He doesn't know what he's trying to say, because forming a sentence is currently beyond him, but his tone of voice and ragged breath should be enough to signal that this is amazing, but it's also a lot, and perhaps he needs a moment to breathe.]
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Not that he hasn't been nearly as lost in it this whole time, himself. Every part of his body that touches Felix's feels like it's catching fire, and his every thought is Felix, and wanting Felix, and wanting Felix to want him.
--Well, more than this. Differently. This and other things, as he finds that in between much baser thoughts about Felix in his lap, fingers in his hair, sweet sounds eked out with the press of Adrian's lips-- he thinks about their home here, together. Making dinner, the crease Felix gets in his brow when he sharpens his sword, the easy comfort of just being around each other.
It's soft in the exact way this thing between them right now is suddenly tipping back into hasty mashing territory, and Adrian wants Felix more than he's wanted anyone in a while but he's not a brute; Felix says his name like that and he practically feels himself stumble back down to a... calmer level, just tucking his head into the crook of Felix's neck to come down for a bit.
He'll slow them down again, lifting his head to press a single, chaste kiss to Felix's lips and wrap his arms around his waist.
Breathe; he's still here. He also could use a moment, all things considered.]
... Soooo... [smoothest man alive award--]
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And of course, this moment is no different, where Felix is saying I need a minute without saying that at all, and Adrian just knows, and gives him that. Hungry kisses against his neck turn instantly to the soft brush of Adrian's hair as he presses his forehead there. Felix's grip on his hair, in turn, becomes a cradling of the back of his head. His hips don't stop moving immediately, but they slow and soften considerably.
Felix's breathing sounds like he's just had a long and intense bout of sparring. He's a bit light-headed. There's even a tiny vocalization on an exhale here or there, as that lustful energy is still leaking out of him. Adrian kisses him, holds him, and Felix slumps forward a little to rest his chin on his Roommate's shoulder and try to relax himself. He ignores Adrian's awkward mumbling and interjects his own mumbling that's awkward in another way.]
I've never--
[His next huff is slightly frustrated, because this is embarrassing to admit. Adrian can probably tell he's inexperienced, but he still needs to say it, to make sure. It's only fair that Adrian knows what he's dealing with, and only fair to Felix that Adrian has an inkling that they should maybe take things slow despite Felix's obvious desire to speedrun it.]
I've never done any of this before.
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And, you know, basic logic-- neither of them are exactly the type to go any further than this now, immediately after realizing there was a "further" to head for in the first place. He's just as content to sit like this, without any--mashing, and to turn his head to press a kiss to Felix's temple. It's more of a smush of his mouth and chin against Felix's hair at this angle, but it's affectionate, so please accept it.
He's quiet, just looking out... across the room... yeah, it was fairly obvious that Felix hasn't done this before. Adrian doesn't say anything immediately-- mostly because his immediate thought is oh REALLY, and he knows that's only going to annoy Felix no matter how like a joke he can make it sound. Ahem.]
That's alright. I mean, I'm here for you, not... [He shrugs, trailing off; it's not the experience that's the point.]
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Okay.
[He believes it. He closes his eyes and focuses on taking deeper breaths as their chests heave against each other. Attending to his body again, it's still quite warm, and he's hard and throbbing where his hips are now stilled against Adrian. Good Goddess.]
Fuck, you're so... It's...
[He heaves another little huff, laying his cheek more firmly on Adrian's shoulder. Can Adrian make sense of that one? His tone sounds flustered.]
It's intense. I've never felt like this.
[Welp. What's a little more vulnerability on this wildly vulnerable journey of dying and coming back to life. He's going to have to go for a long walk in the woods later, or something.]
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In, hm, several ways; he's not not hard, but he's trying very diligently not to move too much, so as not to draw attention to it. Felix is already in his lap, so he's failed step one, but like, maybe step two (continue to not fidget) is achievable. He's trying.
He thinks he can piece together that flustered non-sentence, though, because he chuckles lightly and says,] So are you.
[With the way he's sitting, there are even so many very kissable parts of Felix just inches away, and it would be so very easy to rile him up again, but-- slow. Slow and steady.]
We don't have to, you know, do anything, [he says, soft and quiet. They've already pulled the brake, but he feels like it's worth saying it out loud, properly, just like the part about how much experience either of them has-- there are no demands or expectations here. Just earnest bumbling, honestly.]
We could talk, or... talk later.
[Could just sit in silence!]
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Cw joking reference to self harm
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