[Mmm, hard pass. Unclear if Felix is even capable of experiencing shame, except when someone calls him out for caring about people.
Felix catches Adrian's eye as he's staring and gives him a bit of a what? look, but doesn't say anything. To the question, he lets out a long exhale that isn't quite a sigh, chewing, thinking. He owes Adrian this much, definitely, but the problem is that he's not sure how to explain what he's feeling.]
I don't know... I'm glad to be alive. But...
[But he fucking died. Does he have to say that part? No, Adrian's question was about feelings. Think.]
It was... Frightening. And... The boar...
[He furrows his brow. It's hard to talk about feelings, the words sticking to his tongue like molasses, harder still to talk about Dimitri-related feelings that aren't hatred and anger. Another breath, as though conceding something, and then:]
Dimitri.
[The first time he has said his actual first name aloud since arriving here.]
[He absolutely does not need to share the gory details of actually dying; Adrian doesn't need to know, and he wouldn't put Felix through that again. He's already assumed Felix is putting himself through it--it feels like it'd be hard not to think about it except for with a lot of effort.
So, feelings. Adrian listens without interrupting, at some point deciding to unfold this blanket while Felix speaks, so he isn't staring straight at him the whole time. The complexities of what's between Felix and Dimitri are, hm, well beyond him, but--]
I didn't see him at the clinic. Did he go home?
[Did Imogen come and get him, do they have to go back and get him, ah-- focus, focus.]
You- [are friends? um,] -have a history. Of course he would try to save you.
[Digest that while Adrian holds up the blanket and gestures; come here, come get wrapped in this. Again, this is nonnegotiable, don't make it a whole thing.]
tell me if what he's saying makes 0 sense to adrian and ill fix lol
[Dimitri's fine, (not really, but when is he ever fine), don't fret, Adrian.
Oh, but it is not of course. Not to Felix, not at all. He doesn't understand why. He extracts himself a little from the animals and leans forward toward his roommate so he can wrap the blanket around him. Hm, he'll unpack how he feels about this caretaking later. For now, Dimitri is what's to be unpacked.]
Adrian. I abandoned him. I was born to defend him, and instead I walked away. Because of that and some other factors, he lost the war and died in my timeline. In his timeline, where I stayed, he's alive, he's won, he's King, and that version of me is his loyal Duke.
I also... Killed someone very important to him.
[The part he doesn't say: it was Felix's father.]
Suffice to say he owes me- this version of me- nothing. He has every reason to hate me. And yet... The fool sacrificed his own life to try to save me. The utter fucking fool.
[He clenches his fist and his jaw, obviously angry.]
If it had been permanent, we would both be gone now, when he could have gone on living.
[What if he fretted... anyway! No, he won't, if Imogen has Dimitri back home then he should be just as fine as Felix is. Which might not be very fine at the moment, but they'll get there. Adrian moves to wrap the blanket around him and then scoots in a bit closer, to keep an arm around his shoulders.
But oh, there are timelines? Did he know this? He can't remember if he knew this from someone else or not, but different worlds aren't a far stretch from different timelines, so why not. Either way it's more mental notes about Felix's many horrible life experiences to keep track of, so, well. He can do that.]
Felix...
[Gods, where does he start. Okay.]
You don't really think so little of yourself, do you? Or of him? You aren't exchanging good deeds back and forth until someone gets tired of it, you know. That isn't how being close to someone works.
[Even if there were some extreme measures taken, it sounds like-- the point stands. Adrian knows what it's like to feel like the worst version of yourself, so on that level at least he can see where some of this is coming from.]
Whatever it is you think you deserve, apparently he disagrees. And unfortunately, we don't get to tell people how to feel about us.
[Yet, the sheer distress in his voice and the tears that form in his eyes again suggest the exact opposite. It's not true, as much as he wishes it were. As much as the little voice inside him screams I am me! Felix Hugo Fraldarius! There is no one else! I'm my own person, with my own beliefs, and I make my own choices! he will always, always, in every single timeline, have an inherent attachment to Dimitri. They grew up together, they were bound together by circumstances of birth, and later, traumatic events. There is absolutely nothing Felix can do to fully cut ties to the Boar King, try as he has, and he hates it. He hates it so much. Independence is so important to him, and knowing that it's futile to even try at it because he'll always fall back into being the Boar's charge... It's a helpless feeling he can't stand.]
I can tell him he's an idiot to feel that way. And to throw his life away for me.
[He mutters this, but there's nothing that can stop the tears from leaking out, despite his clenched jaw and intense stare at... Nothing in particular. Little One senses his upset and nuzzles into his neck more.]
Doesn't it matter what I want? I don't want anyone to die for me, like how--
[Like how Glenn died for Dimitri. He shuts up before that comes out, wiping his face angrily.]
[Okay, making him cry was not the goal, and Adrian has the decency to look properly distressed about this for a moment. Ah, no, don't do that--]
Of course it matters what you want. You aren't the only one there is, that's-- that's all.
[Maybe contextualize outside of just dying, if that would help, although he doesn't know how to articulate that idea; how is anyone supposed to deal with this idea of dying and coming back like it's nothing? He squeezes Felix's shoulder instead.]
I think you have to talk this over with him. [How did that apology go the first time, buddy--] But I also think you have to let people care about you.
[A beat.]
And you have to be more careful out there. Both of you.
[Felix tries to breathe. He shouldn't freak out on Adrian, who's just trying to help.
You have to let people care about you. That is the issue, isn't it. He always tries to push people away just so they won't do stupid shit like this. But it never works. They care anyway, they do stupid things anyway, no matter what he does, no matter how mean he is.]
I'll just lose them again.
[If not to death, since apparently that's not possible here, then... Some other way.
He sighs as Adrian tells him to be careful. That makes him realize it's too late: Dimitri cares for him, Adrian does, probably Remi, maybe Hayden. Maybe even Imogen. If they're going to care anyway, maybe it's useless to try to push them away. A waste of energy.
That energy drains from him as he sinks further into the couch, further into Adrian.]
Fine. Your turn. Talk about how you feel.
[If he has to go through this ugly, painful display of vulnerability, you don't get off easy, asshole.]
[There's something to say here, maybe a "being with people and enjoying life means risking tragedy," but who is he to say anything like that? He, who has stayed on the fringes for so long, who doesn't have any friends back home who aren't just his students-- well!
Honestly, he's a hack for saying all that other stuff, but at least it was true. He has nothing to say about getting close to people or losing them or any of that-- unless they're going to talk about people here, and even then, he is still frequently kind of stunned when people behave normally around him.
So, well, it's all he can do to fuss at the edge of the blanket a little, make sure Felix is still bundled up sufficiently when he leans into him more. Hmm.]
I-- What? About what?
[help.]
About what happened? I didn't know if you were busy, or hurt, or-- [skipping over dead,] gone from here. I was worried about you.
[He gives Adrian a small glare, as if to say you know what. Don't play dumb! You have feelings too!
Worried. Okay. Clear, by the way he's still fussing.]
... And now?
[Felix's eyes search his friend's face, curious, wondering. Because here they are, all but cuddling on this couch, and sure, they could make the excuse that Felix died, and all the times they've touched each other before were because they were cold, or drunk, or upset, or exhausted-- but those excuses are starting to feel thin, because Felix is not a touchy-feely person, and he knows Adrian is not, either. So... Perhaps this is an opening, an opportunity for Adrian to say something that's not an excuse, should be choose to take it.
And if it's not the right time, that's fine. They can just keep saying it's for some reason a necessity sit on the couch, Felix curled up against him, with their three pets surrounding them, in this house they share. That's normal platonic behaviour for two men, surely. Really, Felix doesn't know- he grew up in Faerghus, after all. He just died in the arms of a man he swore to be his enemy. What is normal, anyway?]
[Who ever said he had feelings! Just kidding, it's everything he ever does, actually. Felix looks at him like that and Adrian almost wants to look somewhere else, to address the wall or something, but he doesn't. And now? And now he's relieved to have Felix at his side, wrapped up in this blanket and safe, here in their home and not--wherever he'd been, falling to his death out there.
And now--]
Well, I-- I care about you.
[And about their house and their pets and Felix in his blanket warm against his side. He cares that Felix is home, that they have this little home at all. He could be content with that, really.
And while he does care, very much, more than he expected to, well,] If you'll let me.
[It's unusual for Adrian to hold his gaze for so long, and it's no small feat for anyone to endure the burn of Felix's amber eyes. Though, right now it's less a roaring flame and more like the low smoulder of coals. A pleasant heat, not a searing one. They haven't stared at each other this long or close since that day he grabbed Adrian's wrist in the yard and scolded him lovingly to not be an idiot with magic. That day, Felix had looked away as though saving his retinas from the blinding sun, but now, his eyes stay locked on Adrian's face.]
Fine... If I must.
[The corner of his lip turns up wryly.]
And I'll try to be more careful.
[If Adrian cares for him, and if Felix isn't going to bother to push him away, the least he can do is not put the man through all this again.]
[It is a lot of Felix-gaze at once, but Adrian is serious about this; he cares for Felix too deeply to let him brush this off or avoid it in his gruff way-- not that his actual reaction isn't kind of gruff, but at least he's agreeing. Baby steps.]
Thank you. I won't have to keep you on house arrest.
[Ha ha, he might have done it though-- It's fine though, it's alright. He gives Felix's shoulder another squeeze, controlling himself from dragging him into another abrupt hug, as much as he wants to.
...And, raising an eyebrow,] If you must?
[Ahem? He is caring so much right now, be nice to him.]
[Felix is an untamed animal- he does what he wants. But... Right now he sort of wants to please Adrian, who's been so sweet that Felix is feeling, for once, a bit soft.
He rolls his eyes, smiling. Felix then shifts to face Adrian, staying in his hold. He draws his feet up onto the couch, then into Adrian's lap. The cats move and find new spots to accommodate this shift, and Felix leans his head on his roommate's shoulder, now looking up a little to keep eyes on him.]
I'll let you care about me. I care about you, too. Now, don't make me say it again.
[He seems pretty tamed right about now, actually-- Or: this is a lot of Felix, suddenly and unexpected and, hm, not unwelcome. Adrian is still for a moment in the exact way one is still when a cat decides to crawl onto them, but he adjusts and slides his arm a little lower around Felix, more comfortably.
This is definitely cuddling on the couch. And with the bonus admission from Felix, ah-- Adrian is... happy. The worry and stress of the past few days haven't entirely faded, but they're so much easier to ignore right now. At the same time it feels like a delicately spun thing, like Adrian shouldn't move too suddenly or he'll break the spell.
But that's silly. He's an adult. Idly he brushes a lock of Felix's hair out of his face, giving him a look.]
[Somehow, some way, Adrian has tamed Felix in record time. From completely feral to domesticated- or, well, getting there, eventually.
This is certainly not an awkward Christian side-hug, and as Adrian touches his hair it's hard to lie to himself or doubt it any further: there is something here. Felix doesn't know what that something is, exactly- it feels foreign, yet somehow completely familiar. Like trying on a brand new sweater and finding it fits perfectly, and then never wanting to take it off. He never imagined it could feel easy to put his feet in another man's lap, or anyone's lap for that matter, but here he is, looking up into Adrian's face.
At those words, he does start to blush a little, his heartbeat picking up. But he doesn't look away, doesn't frown or brush Adrian off. He still smiles faintly, and his eyes still flicker around Adrian's face with a curious intensity.]
[This house is no longer part of a Christian Minecraft server. Or: this is the closest Adrian has been to anyone in a very long time, both physically and otherwise. He's glad that it's Felix, and even more he enjoys the way Felix looks at him from this close, so--attentive. He can't miss the blush or the little smile, and he can't help smiling back in turn.
He drops his hand away from Felix's face, linking his fingers together with his other hand so both arms are around Felix, holding him there. As if he was super eager to get up and run off immediately after putting his feet in Adrian's lap-- listen. It's the done thing.
Probably. Now, of course Felix cares about him, he's known that underneath the prickly exterior for a while, but,]
[The arms around him feel very nice, secure. That unsafe, shaken feeling he had upon waking from death is just a memory now. It's hard not to feel safe when you're surrounded by warm arms, a blanket, loving animals, and a cozy house.
But, hm, he was pretty bold when he said that, and now he has to back it up. He could go on about how when he scolds Adrian for overdoing it or makes a post for him on the network without his consent, that's his way of showing he cares- but Adrian knows that already. Besides, words are getting more difficult to form by the second, as he becomes hyper-aware of how close they are, and as thoughts of kissing Adrian come crashing into his mind, crowding out all others. Felix keeps looking at his lips, now, and his heart starts pounding, because he's never kissed someone before, and what if Adrian doesn't want that? What if it ruins everything they've built here?
Felix leans closer, slowly, watching Adrian's face intently for any signs of panic. He can't bring himself to kiss him just yet, but he gets near enough to brush the tip of his nose against the side of Adrian's with a small hum.]
[Briefly, Adrian wonders two things: first, is this-- well, can he do this? Can he do this, is this all going to go belly up as soon as possible like the rest of his life has done, over and over? And second, is this, hm, the exactly correct time? Felix has just woken up from being dead, so maybe he should let him rest for a night, or...
Luckily Felix leaning in chases that second thought away as quickly as it comes; the other one he'll have to deal with eventually, but not right now. How close they are makes him a little giddy, almost, something heart-pounding in a way that's both delightful and terrifying. A laugh escapes him, barely more than a huff of breath, warm and fond.]
Felix... [He could tilt his head barely an inch and kiss him right now, but-- well, this is Felix's little bit, isn't it? Felix should get to lead, but that doesn't stop him from murmuring,] Go on.
[Felix had wondered if this would be too soon for Adrian, but not a thought was given to the fact that he just rose from the grave- he's far too impulsive to care about that.
The verbal encouragement is needed, and it also sends a rush of desire through him, hearing that laugh and his name said in that enticing tone. He can feel Adrian's breath on his lips now, and it's nearly enough to make him shiver with anticipation.
At first, it's merely a tilt of the chin and a soft brush of their lips, and even that makes Felix exhale shakily, his eyelids fluttering shut. Then he tries for an actual kiss, whatever that is supposed to be like- a small press together, a slight interlock before parting.
The warmth of it, the exhilaration, makes him want more immediately. His hand comes up to gently grip the back of Adrian's neck, and he presses their lips together more firmly, with a hint of urgency, as he inhales sharply through his nose.
Oh, this may awaken something in him. Unleash something.]
[The first kiss is barely a kiss, frankly, but it's still quite sweet all things considered. A bit of a surprise, if only because Felix is so intense about everything else; Adrian smiles into it and presses his lips right back into attempt number two, just as sweet and tender.
And then oh, there's some of that Felix intensity. Adrian tightens his grip around Felix, pulling him that much further into his own lap as he kisses him back. It's still just a hard press of lips, but he's realizing all at once that he's been wanting this for longer than he was fully aware of it, and so--
Well, so. He looses one hand to cup the back of Felix's head and fiddle around for whatever hair tie he's got holding up that silly ponytail; no more of this, thank you, he would like free hair to run his fingers through. And--
And he sputters abruptly and breaks the kiss after he suddenly makes eye contact with the poor, confused baby dragon perched on the couch behind Felix still. Oh my god. He thinks very loudly about how this is, um, dad time, but not the kind of dad time where they coo over how pretty she is, ahem. Please.
This doesn't stop him from kissing Felix again, however. He can do two things at once.]
[Look, Felix is a turbo-virgin; he'd be starting off more confident if he knew anything about kissing or sex to begin with, but Fodlan doesn't even have sex-ed. Anything he knows about it is from Sylvain, and that is not a good source.
Hes relieved that Adrian isn't bringing any of his usual trepidation to this, though. Soon Felix's desire takes over any attempt at doing things right in a technical sense, because all that matters is more, closer, want, need. He wraps both arms around Adrian's neck now and scoots onto his lap as he's pulled. He helps Adrian pull out the hair tie, unleashing his silky dark mane, but then Adrian stops.
Felix blinks his eyes open to the bewildered Adrian looking behind him, and turns his head to see the little dragon staring at them curiously.]
Uhhhh.
[Fuck. Their thoughts are about to get to a rating that a baby should not be witness to. He thinks very hard about a different room in the house, the farthest one away he can imagine, and how very lovely and cozy it is in there. She seems to get the hint, sneezes in confused acceptance, and reluctantly leaves the room.
As soon as she takes one step away, Felix is back to kissing Adrian greedily, except he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing, so their lips are mashing together in all sorts of ways. He's breathless, pulling closer still, until he decides this position is too awkward and moves to straddle Adrian's lap.]
[Oh, good, she's left for a safe location. The cats will get bored and leave on their own--in fact he already doesn't see one, who must have realized whatever all of that face-mashing human stuff is isn't treat time for cats and slinked away already. Lucky for everyone involved; Adrian is more than happy to stop forcing himself to think "aaaaa" for the dragon's sake and go back to thinking about where on Felix he'd like to put his hands.
It's his thighs right now, by the way, particularly as Felix shifts to straddle him. That's very smoothly done in the way the rest of Felix's eager affection is, ah, less so-- don't get him wrong, it's a rush to feel this wanted, and it's endearing the way Felix doesn't completely know what to do with himself. He's not going to complain about Felix in his lap, good god, he's not a fool, buuuut...
The mashing. One hand squeezes Felix's thigh, the other sliding to the side of his neck as he leans just a smidge out of mashing range.]
Here, [he mumbles, and he means hang on a second and maybe try this and he kisses Felix slow and deliberate, lips slightly parted, no less intense than what they've already been doing-- but letting the heat of it build into this one kiss instead of popping immediately in all kinds of hasty mashing. There's a time and place for haste, sure, but let him kiss Felix like this first, like he has a point to prove and that point is unraveling him a little.
Adrian has kissed somebody before, after all, please hold surprise until the end.]
[Felix has never been a man of patience, and it's still so exhilarating that Adrian wants him at all that he's gotten a bit carried away. Adrian taking control to redirect that energy gives Felix pause. He realizes with a bit of embarrassment that Adrian probably does know what he's doing, or at least he seems to, with how deliberate he is. And yes, it is a bit surprising, given how Adrian had been all heavens no about love potions at the party, how Felix has noticed him swerve away from anyone getting flirty with him, et cetera.
But it's atttactive, and not at all unwelcome, to be guided by him. The slowness of it gives Felix's mind some time to catch up with everything happening, and time to attend to the sensations more thoroughly- the softness of Adrian's lips, the light brush of his stubble, those warm hands on his still-aching thigh and neck. Felix melts into him a little, following his lead with the kiss, trying to move his mouth the way Adrian does. Trying to learn. It's sort of like being taught a sparring position by having someone touch you to put you in the right place, and he was ever an eager student with that, so why should this be any different?
He experiments with his tongue a little, slipping it out just slightly to brush Adrian's lower lip, trying not to think of anything disgusting Sylvain ever said about tongue-kissing. Clearly, it is a thing, but whether it's a thing most people like, and specifically whether Adrian likes it, he's not sure.]
[It's fine, he can do extreme gymnastics to get away from flirty situations and also be very into Felix at the same time, it tracks-- if Felix ever flirted in anything close to a standard "flirty" way, Adrian might wonder if he'd been replaced by a lizard person, or something.
So it's going well, and he's very compelled by Felix's bumbling enthusiasm and utter disregard for how anything "should be" done. That enthusiasm is contagious, even as Adrian consciously slows them down a little bit; it all comes out through his hands, wandering up and down Felix's thigh, finally running his fingers into his loose hair and curling into a gentle grip.
He hums low and encouragingly into the kiss, parting his lips a bit further to welcome Felix's tentative little exploration. Yes, he likes that, Felix can do more of that if he wants to; Adrian sucks at Felix's lower lip a bit, gently. Felix's drive to learn is highly attractive in a way that tests Adrian's self control, pitting his enjoyment of how slow and tender this is against his new urge to turn and pin Felix to the couch and kiss him breathless.
One thing at a time. He leans back against the cushions instead, bringing Felix to lean more flush against him.]
[It's clicked for him now that Adrian simply isn't interested in being with someone he hasn't first built solid trust and friendship with- and if Adrian only has eyes for Felix, far be it from him to complain. He'd be very pleased by that, actually.
Adrian's technique is good. Felix can see now that the mashing would have quickly turned their lips raw and tingling- this slow way is less sensation, but the sensations that are there are much more pleasant. It's like the way one strategic, well-timed, well-placed strike could fell an opponent in an instant, whereas a barrage of aggressive, poorly aimed strikes could all miss and open you up to counter-attack. And the same way Adrian might teach Felix the basics of swordsmanship if he weren't already so good at it, he teaches him kissing by gently demonstrating. Felix likes that- he's a fast learner, and Adrian is a good teacher. His sucking of Felix's lip makes him shiver, and he then tries doing that to Adrian in return, with his upper lip, before sneaking his tongue inside his mouth a little.
Amidst all this curious learning, however, Felix's attention keeps getting drawn to Adrian's hands. Moving along his thigh, threading into his hair, gripping it enough that his thoughts go hazy. His body burns for those hands- the same ones that expertly wield a blade, steadily hold his hand, and suffer at the expense of magic, Felix imagines touching him everywhere. Pushing, pulling, grabbing, rubbing. That desire distracts him from their little kissing lesson, makes him wrap his own hands around the base of Adrian's skull and slide his fingers up into his hair, nails scraping at his scalp gently as he grips brown locks, not hard, but with a certain greediness. He readily presses his body against Adrian's, his hips automatically rolling forward to seek some kind of pressure. His breathing is heavy and staggered, and he's nearly overwhelmed with sheer want.
Anyone from home would be floored that anyone got this far with Felix. He always insisted he was more comfortable with a blade than a romantic partner, and was so singularly focused on his goals that he ignored the potential entirely. Sex isn't even something he thinks about much- if his thoughts are getting too horny and pesky, he usually just masturbates quickly to get rid of them and get on with other things.
But this perfect storm of a man, against all odds, has caught his attention, slipped past his defenses, gained his trust, and now... It would seem that Felix actually does have an ocean of sexual desire lurking beneath the surface, it just needed the right person to come out for. Adrian, it seems, has now opened Pandora's box.]
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no subject
Felix catches Adrian's eye as he's staring and gives him a bit of a what? look, but doesn't say anything. To the question, he lets out a long exhale that isn't quite a sigh, chewing, thinking. He owes Adrian this much, definitely, but the problem is that he's not sure how to explain what he's feeling.]
I don't know... I'm glad to be alive. But...
[But he fucking died. Does he have to say that part? No, Adrian's question was about feelings. Think.]
It was... Frightening. And... The boar...
[He furrows his brow. It's hard to talk about feelings, the words sticking to his tongue like molasses, harder still to talk about Dimitri-related feelings that aren't hatred and anger. Another breath, as though conceding something, and then:]
Dimitri.
[The first time he has said his actual first name aloud since arriving here.]
He tried to save me.
no subject
So, feelings. Adrian listens without interrupting, at some point deciding to unfold this blanket while Felix speaks, so he isn't staring straight at him the whole time. The complexities of what's between Felix and Dimitri are, hm, well beyond him, but--]
I didn't see him at the clinic. Did he go home?
[Did Imogen come and get him, do they have to go back and get him, ah-- focus, focus.]
You- [are friends? um,] -have a history. Of course he would try to save you.
[Digest that while Adrian holds up the blanket and gestures; come here, come get wrapped in this. Again, this is nonnegotiable, don't make it a whole thing.]
tell me if what he's saying makes 0 sense to adrian and ill fix lol
[Dimitri's fine, (not really, but when is he ever fine), don't fret, Adrian.
Oh, but it is not of course. Not to Felix, not at all. He doesn't understand why. He extracts himself a little from the animals and leans forward toward his roommate so he can wrap the blanket around him. Hm, he'll unpack how he feels about this caretaking later. For now, Dimitri is what's to be unpacked.]
Adrian. I abandoned him. I was born to defend him, and instead I walked away. Because of that and some other factors, he lost the war and died in my timeline. In his timeline, where I stayed, he's alive, he's won, he's King, and that version of me is his loyal Duke.
I also... Killed someone very important to him.
[The part he doesn't say: it was Felix's father.]
Suffice to say he owes me- this version of me- nothing. He has every reason to hate me. And yet... The fool sacrificed his own life to try to save me. The utter fucking fool.
[He clenches his fist and his jaw, obviously angry.]
If it had been permanent, we would both be gone now, when he could have gone on living.
it's all good lmao
But oh, there are timelines? Did he know this? He can't remember if he knew this from someone else or not, but different worlds aren't a far stretch from different timelines, so why not. Either way it's more mental notes about Felix's many horrible life experiences to keep track of, so, well. He can do that.]
Felix...
[Gods, where does he start. Okay.]
You don't really think so little of yourself, do you? Or of him? You aren't exchanging good deeds back and forth until someone gets tired of it, you know. That isn't how being close to someone works.
[Even if there were some extreme measures taken, it sounds like-- the point stands. Adrian knows what it's like to feel like the worst version of yourself, so on that level at least he can see where some of this is coming from.]
Whatever it is you think you deserve, apparently he disagrees. And unfortunately, we don't get to tell people how to feel about us.
no subject
[Yet, the sheer distress in his voice and the tears that form in his eyes again suggest the exact opposite. It's not true, as much as he wishes it were. As much as the little voice inside him screams I am me! Felix Hugo Fraldarius! There is no one else! I'm my own person, with my own beliefs, and I make my own choices! he will always, always, in every single timeline, have an inherent attachment to Dimitri. They grew up together, they were bound together by circumstances of birth, and later, traumatic events. There is absolutely nothing Felix can do to fully cut ties to the Boar King, try as he has, and he hates it. He hates it so much. Independence is so important to him, and knowing that it's futile to even try at it because he'll always fall back into being the Boar's charge... It's a helpless feeling he can't stand.]
I can tell him he's an idiot to feel that way. And to throw his life away for me.
[He mutters this, but there's nothing that can stop the tears from leaking out, despite his clenched jaw and intense stare at... Nothing in particular. Little One senses his upset and nuzzles into his neck more.]
Doesn't it matter what I want? I don't want anyone to die for me, like how--
[Like how Glenn died for Dimitri. He shuts up before that comes out, wiping his face angrily.]
no subject
Of course it matters what you want. You aren't the only one there is, that's-- that's all.
[Maybe contextualize outside of just dying, if that would help, although he doesn't know how to articulate that idea; how is anyone supposed to deal with this idea of dying and coming back like it's nothing? He squeezes Felix's shoulder instead.]
I think you have to talk this over with him. [How did that apology go the first time, buddy--] But I also think you have to let people care about you.
[A beat.]
And you have to be more careful out there. Both of you.
no subject
You have to let people care about you. That is the issue, isn't it. He always tries to push people away just so they won't do stupid shit like this. But it never works. They care anyway, they do stupid things anyway, no matter what he does, no matter how mean he is.]
I'll just lose them again.
[If not to death, since apparently that's not possible here, then... Some other way.
He sighs as Adrian tells him to be careful. That makes him realize it's too late: Dimitri cares for him, Adrian does, probably Remi, maybe Hayden. Maybe even Imogen. If they're going to care anyway, maybe it's useless to try to push them away. A waste of energy.
That energy drains from him as he sinks further into the couch, further into Adrian.]
Fine. Your turn. Talk about how you feel.
[If he has to go through this ugly, painful display of vulnerability, you don't get off easy, asshole.]
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Honestly, he's a hack for saying all that other stuff, but at least it was true. He has nothing to say about getting close to people or losing them or any of that-- unless they're going to talk about people here, and even then, he is still frequently kind of stunned when people behave normally around him.
So, well, it's all he can do to fuss at the edge of the blanket a little, make sure Felix is still bundled up sufficiently when he leans into him more. Hmm.]
I-- What? About what?
[help.]
About what happened? I didn't know if you were busy, or hurt, or-- [skipping over dead,] gone from here. I was worried about you.
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Worried. Okay. Clear, by the way he's still fussing.]
... And now?
[Felix's eyes search his friend's face, curious, wondering. Because here they are, all but cuddling on this couch, and sure, they could make the excuse that Felix died, and all the times they've touched each other before were because they were cold, or drunk, or upset, or exhausted-- but those excuses are starting to feel thin, because Felix is not a touchy-feely person, and he knows Adrian is not, either. So... Perhaps this is an opening, an opportunity for Adrian to say something that's not an excuse, should be choose to take it.
And if it's not the right time, that's fine. They can just keep saying it's for some reason a necessity sit on the couch, Felix curled up against him, with their three pets surrounding them, in this house they share. That's normal platonic behaviour for two men, surely. Really, Felix doesn't know- he grew up in Faerghus, after all. He just died in the arms of a man he swore to be his enemy. What is normal, anyway?]
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And now--]
Well, I-- I care about you.
[And about their house and their pets and Felix in his blanket warm against his side. He cares that Felix is home, that they have this little home at all. He could be content with that, really.
And while he does care, very much, more than he expected to, well,] If you'll let me.
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Fine... If I must.
[The corner of his lip turns up wryly.]
And I'll try to be more careful.
[If Adrian cares for him, and if Felix isn't going to bother to push him away, the least he can do is not put the man through all this again.]
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Thank you. I won't have to keep you on house arrest.
[Ha ha, he might have done it though-- It's fine though, it's alright. He gives Felix's shoulder another squeeze, controlling himself from dragging him into another abrupt hug, as much as he wants to.
...And, raising an eyebrow,] If you must?
[Ahem? He is caring so much right now, be nice to him.]
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As if you could.
[Felix is an untamed animal- he does what he wants. But... Right now he sort of wants to please Adrian, who's been so sweet that Felix is feeling, for once, a bit soft.
He rolls his eyes, smiling. Felix then shifts to face Adrian, staying in his hold. He draws his feet up onto the couch, then into Adrian's lap. The cats move and find new spots to accommodate this shift, and Felix leans his head on his roommate's shoulder, now looking up a little to keep eyes on him.]
I'll let you care about me. I care about you, too. Now, don't make me say it again.
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This is definitely cuddling on the couch. And with the bonus admission from Felix, ah-- Adrian is... happy. The worry and stress of the past few days haven't entirely faded, but they're so much easier to ignore right now. At the same time it feels like a delicately spun thing, like Adrian shouldn't move too suddenly or he'll break the spell.
But that's silly. He's an adult. Idly he brushes a lock of Felix's hair out of his face, giving him a look.]
What if I like to hear you say it?
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This is certainly not an awkward Christian side-hug, and as Adrian touches his hair it's hard to lie to himself or doubt it any further: there is something here. Felix doesn't know what that something is, exactly- it feels foreign, yet somehow completely familiar. Like trying on a brand new sweater and finding it fits perfectly, and then never wanting to take it off. He never imagined it could feel easy to put his feet in another man's lap, or anyone's lap for that matter, but here he is, looking up into Adrian's face.
At those words, he does start to blush a little, his heartbeat picking up. But he doesn't look away, doesn't frown or brush Adrian off. He still smiles faintly, and his eyes still flicker around Adrian's face with a curious intensity.]
I have other ways to prove it.
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He drops his hand away from Felix's face, linking his fingers together with his other hand so both arms are around Felix, holding him there. As if he was super eager to get up and run off immediately after putting his feet in Adrian's lap-- listen. It's the done thing.
Probably. Now, of course Felix cares about him, he's known that underneath the prickly exterior for a while, but,]
Do you? Like what?
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But, hm, he was pretty bold when he said that, and now he has to back it up. He could go on about how when he scolds Adrian for overdoing it or makes a post for him on the network without his consent, that's his way of showing he cares- but Adrian knows that already. Besides, words are getting more difficult to form by the second, as he becomes hyper-aware of how close they are, and as thoughts of kissing Adrian come crashing into his mind, crowding out all others. Felix keeps looking at his lips, now, and his heart starts pounding, because he's never kissed someone before, and what if Adrian doesn't want that? What if it ruins everything they've built here?
Felix leans closer, slowly, watching Adrian's face intently for any signs of panic. He can't bring himself to kiss him just yet, but he gets near enough to brush the tip of his nose against the side of Adrian's with a small hum.]
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Luckily Felix leaning in chases that second thought away as quickly as it comes; the other one he'll have to deal with eventually, but not right now. How close they are makes him a little giddy, almost, something heart-pounding in a way that's both delightful and terrifying. A laugh escapes him, barely more than a huff of breath, warm and fond.]
Felix... [He could tilt his head barely an inch and kiss him right now, but-- well, this is Felix's little bit, isn't it? Felix should get to lead, but that doesn't stop him from murmuring,] Go on.
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The verbal encouragement is needed, and it also sends a rush of desire through him, hearing that laugh and his name said in that enticing tone. He can feel Adrian's breath on his lips now, and it's nearly enough to make him shiver with anticipation.
At first, it's merely a tilt of the chin and a soft brush of their lips, and even that makes Felix exhale shakily, his eyelids fluttering shut. Then he tries for an actual kiss, whatever that is supposed to be like- a small press together, a slight interlock before parting.
The warmth of it, the exhilaration, makes him want more immediately. His hand comes up to gently grip the back of Adrian's neck, and he presses their lips together more firmly, with a hint of urgency, as he inhales sharply through his nose.
Oh, this may awaken something in him. Unleash something.]
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And then oh, there's some of that Felix intensity. Adrian tightens his grip around Felix, pulling him that much further into his own lap as he kisses him back. It's still just a hard press of lips, but he's realizing all at once that he's been wanting this for longer than he was fully aware of it, and so--
Well, so. He looses one hand to cup the back of Felix's head and fiddle around for whatever hair tie he's got holding up that silly ponytail; no more of this, thank you, he would like free hair to run his fingers through. And--
And he sputters abruptly and breaks the kiss after he suddenly makes eye contact with the poor, confused baby dragon perched on the couch behind Felix still. Oh my god. He thinks very loudly about how this is, um, dad time, but not the kind of dad time where they coo over how pretty she is, ahem. Please.
This doesn't stop him from kissing Felix again, however. He can do two things at once.]
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Hes relieved that Adrian isn't bringing any of his usual trepidation to this, though. Soon Felix's desire takes over any attempt at doing things right in a technical sense, because all that matters is more, closer, want, need. He wraps both arms around Adrian's neck now and scoots onto his lap as he's pulled. He helps Adrian pull out the hair tie, unleashing his silky dark mane, but then Adrian stops.
Felix blinks his eyes open to the bewildered Adrian looking behind him, and turns his head to see the little dragon staring at them curiously.]
Uhhhh.
[Fuck. Their thoughts are about to get to a rating that a baby should not be witness to. He thinks very hard about a different room in the house, the farthest one away he can imagine, and how very lovely and cozy it is in there. She seems to get the hint, sneezes in confused acceptance, and reluctantly leaves the room.
As soon as she takes one step away, Felix is back to kissing Adrian greedily, except he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing, so their lips are mashing together in all sorts of ways. He's breathless, pulling closer still, until he decides this position is too awkward and moves to straddle Adrian's lap.]
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It's his thighs right now, by the way, particularly as Felix shifts to straddle him. That's very smoothly done in the way the rest of Felix's eager affection is, ah, less so-- don't get him wrong, it's a rush to feel this wanted, and it's endearing the way Felix doesn't completely know what to do with himself. He's not going to complain about Felix in his lap, good god, he's not a fool, buuuut...
The mashing. One hand squeezes Felix's thigh, the other sliding to the side of his neck as he leans just a smidge out of mashing range.]
Here, [he mumbles, and he means hang on a second and maybe try this and he kisses Felix slow and deliberate, lips slightly parted, no less intense than what they've already been doing-- but letting the heat of it build into this one kiss instead of popping immediately in all kinds of hasty mashing. There's a time and place for haste, sure, but let him kiss Felix like this first, like he has a point to prove and that point is unraveling him a little.
Adrian has kissed somebody before, after all, please hold surprise until the end.]
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But it's atttactive, and not at all unwelcome, to be guided by him. The slowness of it gives Felix's mind some time to catch up with everything happening, and time to attend to the sensations more thoroughly- the softness of Adrian's lips, the light brush of his stubble, those warm hands on his still-aching thigh and neck. Felix melts into him a little, following his lead with the kiss, trying to move his mouth the way Adrian does. Trying to learn. It's sort of like being taught a sparring position by having someone touch you to put you in the right place, and he was ever an eager student with that, so why should this be any different?
He experiments with his tongue a little, slipping it out just slightly to brush Adrian's lower lip, trying not to think of anything disgusting Sylvain ever said about tongue-kissing. Clearly, it is a thing, but whether it's a thing most people like, and specifically whether Adrian likes it, he's not sure.]
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So it's going well, and he's very compelled by Felix's bumbling enthusiasm and utter disregard for how anything "should be" done. That enthusiasm is contagious, even as Adrian consciously slows them down a little bit; it all comes out through his hands, wandering up and down Felix's thigh, finally running his fingers into his loose hair and curling into a gentle grip.
He hums low and encouragingly into the kiss, parting his lips a bit further to welcome Felix's tentative little exploration. Yes, he likes that, Felix can do more of that if he wants to; Adrian sucks at Felix's lower lip a bit, gently. Felix's drive to learn is highly attractive in a way that tests Adrian's self control, pitting his enjoyment of how slow and tender this is against his new urge to turn and pin Felix to the couch and kiss him breathless.
One thing at a time. He leans back against the cushions instead, bringing Felix to lean more flush against him.]
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Adrian's technique is good. Felix can see now that the mashing would have quickly turned their lips raw and tingling- this slow way is less sensation, but the sensations that are there are much more pleasant. It's like the way one strategic, well-timed, well-placed strike could fell an opponent in an instant, whereas a barrage of aggressive, poorly aimed strikes could all miss and open you up to counter-attack. And the same way Adrian might teach Felix the basics of swordsmanship if he weren't already so good at it, he teaches him kissing by gently demonstrating. Felix likes that- he's a fast learner, and Adrian is a good teacher. His sucking of Felix's lip makes him shiver, and he then tries doing that to Adrian in return, with his upper lip, before sneaking his tongue inside his mouth a little.
Amidst all this curious learning, however, Felix's attention keeps getting drawn to Adrian's hands. Moving along his thigh, threading into his hair, gripping it enough that his thoughts go hazy. His body burns for those hands- the same ones that expertly wield a blade, steadily hold his hand, and suffer at the expense of magic, Felix imagines touching him everywhere. Pushing, pulling, grabbing, rubbing. That desire distracts him from their little kissing lesson, makes him wrap his own hands around the base of Adrian's skull and slide his fingers up into his hair, nails scraping at his scalp gently as he grips brown locks, not hard, but with a certain greediness. He readily presses his body against Adrian's, his hips automatically rolling forward to seek some kind of pressure. His breathing is heavy and staggered, and he's nearly overwhelmed with sheer want.
Anyone from home would be floored that anyone got this far with Felix. He always insisted he was more comfortable with a blade than a romantic partner, and was so singularly focused on his goals that he ignored the potential entirely. Sex isn't even something he thinks about much- if his thoughts are getting too horny and pesky, he usually just masturbates quickly to get rid of them and get on with other things.
But this perfect storm of a man, against all odds, has caught his attention, slipped past his defenses, gained his trust, and now... It would seem that Felix actually does have an ocean of sexual desire lurking beneath the surface, it just needed the right person to come out for. Adrian, it seems, has now opened Pandora's box.]
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Cw joking reference to self harm
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